I took the bread he took my pain. - August 7, 2017

Hey everyone:

I wanted to tell you how God absolutely blessed me today.  As some of you know I have been feeling very sick for the past two months, ever since my vacation. I have been to several doctor’s appointments. They have yet to find anything wrong but continue to run tests.

I am used to being a multitasker and going a million miles a minute. That has not been an option, lately, due to this sickness. But I figured God was trying to show me how to rest, and I was doing my best to see this as an opportunity to let God direct me. That was working for a while. Until I found out I gained 10 pounds and my hairdresser cancelled the appointment I had waited 2 weeks for. 

I had about had all I could take. I threw a full-on toddler temper tantrum. I felt so ugly. My roots were grown out and my bangs were hanging into my eyes. I began to wear bigger clothes to hide the weight I’d put on, and I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror; I felt just awful. I told God I loved, trusted and wanted to honor him, but I was tired of this.

I sensed God saying to me, Rachael who are you and whose are you?

I was like – I am yours and a daughter of a king, but really God I could not even get my hair done!

God was like – your identity has been tied up in your sickness, your looks and your ability to help people. But I am your identity.  

It began to get through to me that God was not punishing me, but that he was interrupting my plans to show me that I was stuck in an identity that was never meant to be mine.  

Lets take a step back to a few months prior to when I got sick.  

Those who know me know that I have Celiacs disease. It has affected my lifestyle for many years, and I talk about it frequently. A few months ago, someone told me that they believed I would be cured from my celiacs disease. I believe in these kinds of miracles. Shockingly, my response to this was anger, sadness, and even dread that I would no longer have Celiacs! Crazy right?

I had not realized just how much I had come to view my disease as a major part of my identity. It was something that I loved to hate. If you said, “Rachael tell us 3 things about yourself.” I would have been sure to include Celiacs in the list.  I do not believe Celiacs is demonic or that any disease or undesirable condition is necessarily demonic. What I am saying is that I had come to let it define me and was afraid to be healed because it would mean I would lose a part of my story about myself I was used to.

Before my vacation, someone had prayed over me, and I believed I was healed. I felt the best I had felt in years. But, on the trip fear set in, and I began to let it control me again. During and after the trip I was the sickest I have ever been. I was discouraged, I was mad, I felt shame.  

Now lets jump forward again. 3 days before my hair appointment was cancelled I was at my brother’s church feeling sick and unattractive as described when I felt God urging me to the take the bread with communion. This terrified me. I thought, “God I have test the doctors want me to take. This is going to mess them all up. Come on, God, I just want to get better.” 

God said, Rachael am I good.

I said, Yes, but I am not ready. Can you make me ready?

He said yes. 

So all that week we worked on identity issues. God began to show me that much of my identity was in things other than Christ and my adoption as a Child of God. A friend confirmed this for me, saying God was showing her I needed a change of perspective. When she said that it made me mad. I thought I had a good perspective. I thought I was doing the right thing. I was going through this storm with God and learning; what more could he want?! My friend described a vision of God in a peaceful sky waiting for me to go up to him, but instead I was on the battle field below ready to wage war. That was not what he was asking of me . I thought I understood what that meant when she described it, but I did not until today.  

Now I have to be honest with all of you, the times my friends prayed over me, times others placed hands for healing on me, I did not truly believe God would heal me. Not because he can’t, but because I felt he wanted me to go through this season. I was actually frustrated that everyone kept praying over me. I felt if he had wanted to heal me he would have already. 

This all leads up today, and why God is so awesome. 

Today I was driving to church.  Once again I sensed the the Holy Spirit’s urging, Hey Rachael, you are going to take the bread today.

I was like No, no no no. Come on God I have a test on Friday, and if I get contaminated it will mess everything up.

He said, Rachael, who’s good?

I was like, You are. But, God you are going to have to help me. He said, I will.

So I get to church, and worship was out of this world awesome. My mom had someone pray over me, and the prayer was amazing. I was like, Ok God, if you want me to take the bread, I will. Easy to say as I did not see the communion plate. Sermon was great hitting everything on the nose to what God had been showing me. I was feeling great until, “Ok everyone lets take the communion that is sitting in the chairs in front of you.” WHAT!!! Oh no I have to act on my faith. This is scary. My mom reaches for my communion like always to separate out the bread. I sense God’s Spirit saying – Rachael, you have to choose. I have a blessing for you. Will you conquer your fear? 

I look at my mom and say, “Mom God wants me to take the bread.” She looks at me with fear but also with trust that I hear from God. I will be honest, by now I am crying with fear. But I look up to God and say, “I am your child. Satan, you have no hold on me; if God says I am healed, I am healed.” With full-on crying now I take the bread. 

And God took my pain. Just like that. It was all gone. Then he spoke to me, “My child, this was never your battle. I healed you a long time ago. But you took on the identity again, and Satan tormented you and I had to allow it. You had to choose me over your fear and the control that Celiacs had on you.”

You see this was never a storm or a battle. It was a refusal for me to deal with a fear. But God always wanted the best for me. He always wanted to heal me. God loves me, and when I walk out in faith and give him all of me he always blows my mind. I am still working on my feelings that my worth comes from my looks or my ability to help others. But I was reminded in a big way that my true identity is in Christ and nothing the world, doctors or other people say can take that away.

For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority.

Colossians 2:9-10 NIV

 A lot of us are going through storms we created and God never intended us to walk through. He wants to give us blessing and do good in our lives. But if we have picked up identities that he never intended for us, we allow Satan to have control in our vulnerabilities. But be encouraged my dear friends, if you surrender and take a leap of faith he will lead you through theses times and give you freedom.