Dieing to a conterfit life for Gods truth. - April 25, 2022

Just a warning this blog is not written for the weak of heart. This blog is the most vulnerable I have ever been. It is the hardest one I have ever written. This blog is meant for healing for me and others. I want to answer some questions for the ones that have been broken and need The Trinity to put them back together. So please take a journey with me with each painful page as God puts back together the broken pieces that were called me. A journey in which I died to myself and was restored and made new with Christ.

I want to start with the toughest question. Why do people want to commit suicide? How can they be so selfish? Well as someone who has had three failed suicide attempts and thought about it several more times, all I can tell you is my story. Maybe it will give insight to some or healing to others. Maybe your story is a lot different than mine and that is good too. Yes, to answer that question, I guess it was a selfish act. If by selfish you mean I could not think about anyone but myself in those moments. I never thought I was actually going to hurt anyone. In fact, I really did think that the world and everyone around me would be better off without me in it. I have recently walked through all of the lies the enemy told me that made me so deceived. The enemy attacked my mind with suicide at a young age when I was innocent and naïve. One small, seemingly innocent thought can turn into three suicide attempts, a hospital visit and years of intense therapy that didn’t get to the root of the problem anyway. So how does a young, successful, raised in a Christian home with what looked like a decent childhood woman get to this point? Well, life isn’t always what it seems.

I thought I had an amazing childhood. Unfortunately, I just could not remember any of it. Recently, at the start of my season of healing 6 months ago, I started reading a book by Joyce Myers, called Beauty From Ashes. Now I was very confused because she had been severely abused as a child, but the way she acted and handled emotions were almost exactly like the way I did. I remember talking to my friend during our walk one night and saying “I mean, I was molested but what other abuse did I have?” Being molested did not seem like that big of a deal. Kids are kids and some girl decided to experiment with me when I was 5. She was only 9 so how could that be a big deal? Well, it turns out if you can’t remember your childhood, there is a reason. The first step was confessing that my molestation was a big deal. Then dealing with my ‘Bad Rachael’ as stated in the other blogs. When I thought I was finally healed, the real journey began. I began to remember my childhood. It was not as cheery or perfect as I thought. I started reading my old diary. At 11 I made an innocent, not so innocent statement, “God I wish I was in heaven with you. There is so much pain here on earth and I really don’t like or enjoy my life. What follows in the diary is years of making horrible mistakes, drinking, self-harm and it ends when I am 18 with my suicide note. An innocent statement is a foothold for Satan to step in and he only does one thing… steal, kill and destroy. I spent years believing lies that no one was to be trusted. I was unlovable and I would never change. I had so much guilt about trying to be a Christian but struggling with my addictions. In the dairy I read fantasies about dying that started at the age of 11. It seems the only time I dreamed was to dream the pain away and escape by going to heaven. Why did an 11-year-old want to die? My greatest curse in life is that everything in life that happened to me was not such a big deal that it was exposed, but enough of a deal not to be normal. I learned at the age of 5 how to hide my pain, protect myself, manipulate others to think I was ok and to not be bothered by bad things that happened to me. I learned the phrases “it’s no big deal” and “I am ok, nothing can hurt me”. I had experienced in my childhood all before I turned 18: molestation, rage, enabling, co-dependency, violence, physical abuse by men, bullying, sexual abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, pill popping and overdosing, being cheated on, multiple suicide attempts, and drug addictions. So yes, I guess I was selfish to try to commit suicide but I also thought there was no way out from my pain. My mind had been conditioned by the enemy from the time I was 11 to believe that suicide and escaping to Heaven was the only way to stop that pain. What was the point of living if this is all you know?

I was very sick as a child. I had a disease that no one diagnosed and was horrible skinny and in pain most of the time. I ran high fevers and got sent home from school a lot. I had also had multiple surgeries. By the time I was 5 I had learned to stop crying and to embrace the pain to survive. I remember being 8 and throwing up before school. I hid it from my parents because I was tired of being sick and wanted to go to school. I made an inner vow that day: that I will control pain. I learned to ignore it and to actually make it go away. I learned to make it feel somewhat good. Even at 8 I could feel the Holy Spirit prompting me that this was wrong. I was tired of pain and being sick, so I ignored the Holy Spirit. To be fair I don’t think I understood what the Holy Spirit was at that age, but I knew what I was doing was wrong. I have known for a long time that I have a problem with pain. I have been convidicted many time due to putting my body through bad things to make my goals happen. I have been told by so many doctors that I have ignored symptoms and have almost had severe issues due to ignoring my pain. That is what it did to me physically. However, emotionally and spiritually it caused me more issues than I could imagine. In one of my clinical rotations, I read about a guy who was into Sado-masochism. He had polio as a kid and was constantly in pain. He had volunteered his brain to science after he died. What they found is that the brain, which is very changeable, had rewired itself. Instead of neural pathways connecting from pleasure to the normal area of happiness and joy, it was connected to pain. Meaning his brain had actually rewired itself so the only way he could feel pleasure was through pain. He had no choice, his brain was wired incorrectly. Except, he had a choice. I am sure when he was young, he did what I did and chose to ignore pain and turn it to pleasure so he could survive. God told me a few months ago that is what I did as a child too. I was in a situation where he was telling me to have faith, but even though he had shown me so many signs and miracles, I continued to choose pain. I did this as a kid too. I chose pain over love. I chose the enemy’s plan over God’s because my brain needs to be rewired. This is why cutting always felt good to me when I was younger. This is why suicide was such a tempting thought. The idea of pain actually brought peace and an escape from my reality. I realized at that point, I couldn’t remember the last time I was happy. I think it was when I was 7, before I made that inner vow. So silly that as a kid you could cause so much harm. I asked God to rewire my brain and he did, and he is showing me how to live life without pain.

Shortly after I wrote that last paragraph God had me write a poem. It basically was me kicking out a pain demon. It turns out the inner vow I made when I was 8 actually allowed a demon to come in. I agreed with that demon for almost 30 years. All because I did not want to have pain. I actually felt strong and proud that I could ignore pain and push through. I thought it made me more valuable. What it did was destroy me, physically, emotionally and mentally. I had to choose God’s love over the pain demon. I had to let God change my identity. Pain is from the enemy and love is from God. You can’t have both dwelling inside. You have to choose which one you will listen to. I loved God. I honored God, but God could not have full control of my heart with a pain demon protecting me and being my identity. The thing about demons is they can only kill, steal and destroy. They never stop at just making you uncomfortable. This demon has been trying to kill me for years. He has done it slowly and painfully and has enjoyed watching me suffer. God’s truth and his character had to shine through for me to be so uncomfortable to choose. I chose God. Does that mean I feel pain now? Yes, but I always did. That pain made me stuck, God’s pain is pushing me forward.

I was addicted to running away from pain. Maybe as humans we are all addicted to running away from our pain. The truth is I was addicted to control and controlling my own pain. I never wanted to be rejected or I never wanted to be anything less than perfect. I didn’t want to go through the truth. I didn’t want to take time or spend the emotions trying to heal. So, I ran and I hid behind alcohol, drugs, pills, cutting, vacations, football and multiple hook ups. Then I re-gave my life to God 10 years ago. I stopped all my addictions. Well, so I thought. Drinking was pretty much under control but I had issues sometimes. I was controlling over my emotions because again I had to protect and only *I* would put myself in pain (or my pain demon). I would not let anyone else come in and do that. Until one day God made me a promise, and my promise came walking through the door. I was a mess. Trying to let God and my promise in and let a pain demon go. I was physically abusive to myself behind closed doors, I hid my emotions and I became a pretender. I knew I was not ok. I knew I could not hide or pretend forever. I knew God had to change me. Little did I know the way he would answer those prayers. My promise left. I was angry. I was so mad at God. I started on a process of embracing my pain, and then rejecting it. I wanted to go back to all my addictions. I wanted to harm myself. I wanted to randomly hook up with men, I wanted to move. I wanted to do anything but face pain and deal with the things God needed me to heal from. I didn’t go this far to turn around so I said let’s do it. What followed was a very painful 6 months. I had to relive trauma I had not seen in 30 years. I had to embrace it. I had to admit it happened. I had to realize it was a big deal and it affected me and changed me. The hardest thing I had to admit was I did not have a childhood. I was so angry because God stole everything from me. Why did I deserve this? The hardest part of this journey is what I am about to tell you. It’s hard to admit you don’t always have it figured out. About 1 month ago I had a breakdown that I did not expect. Some things triggered this breakdown, and took me to a place I thought I would never visit again.

I don’t know why on this Thursday 1 month ago I lost all hope, but I did. I went home and I was angry. God had asked me a few weeks before to ask him the real tough questions. He said this was going to be the hardest part. So, I asked. He told me I was mad at him for lost time. A lost childhood and not being married in my 30s. I was mad because I would be an old mom. I was mad because I wanted to be married with kids 8 years ago. I was also mad that he saved my life 16 years ago if this was all my life was going to be. So that night I came home. I yelled and said God I am trapped. I can’t get married. I can’t have kids. I can’t have sex. I can’t even end my life. I am trapped. I don’t want this life, if I can’t be happy. Everyone says I should be happy because I am successful, I travel, I have a great job, a great reputation, a lot of friends and people who love me, and I help a lot of people. I am still not happy. So what’s the point? I can’t get back lost time. I can’t get back my childhood. I can’t be who you want me to be. I am tired. I have tried everything you have asked me to do, but even you don’t love me. If you loved me, you would make up for these lost things. Here I am weeks away from turning 35 and not one word from my promise. I can’t and won’t do this anymore. So, yes, I was full on believing every lie Satan threw at me. But they felt so real. Let’s face it, I have not wanted to live since I was 11 so I guess you can say this was a long time coming. My suicide tendencies never went away. Even 2 blogs back I passed through it like it was not a big deal. I am over it. But with no addictions, no idols, not anything left but truth, it hit me hard again. I don’t want to be alive. I have not wanted to live most of my life. I can’t be happy. I can’t trust anyone. I don’t trust you God. So, I went into my sports room and laid down. I begged God: “you have to intervene because right now all I want to do is stop this pain. It has been 24 years of pain. Let’s face it more like 30. If this is what my life is, then forget it. Why did you save me? Why would you love this mess? I can’t even be who you want me to be. I can’t be perfect enough for you. I just wrote on my Facebook how excited I was that it had been 16 years since my last suicide attack, and here I am a hypocrite.” I started to look up on my phone “will you go to hell if you commit suicide?” I also looked up scriptures to help with suicide. My phone kept sending me links to call the suicide hot line but I knew only God could save me that night. As I lay there crying, trying to get my mind right, my dog, Tebow, came in and licked me and then laid by my side. I heard God’s still small voice say, “My daughter I am right here. I need you to fight. I can’t do this for you, because you chose this at 11. I will fight for you. I will show up. You will win. My daughter, fight.” So, I read my last blog. Something in me just snapped and I turned on some KB and played Armies. Next thing I know these words started flowing from my mouth:”I want to live. I am not 11 anymore. Satan you dirty cheat, you can’t have me! I tear up any contract I made with you when I was innocent. You have no power over me. I choose God’s contract, I choose life. I choose freedom. I choose Jesus.” I started to see a vision. Light was pouring out of me and Satan was being pushed back. I knew God had just kicked that strong hold out of my life and I was finally free. The next day I woke up happy to be alive for the first time since I was 11. I have been happy to be alive every day since. That night was the most pain I had ever been in. Joy came in the morning and I have had joy ever since. Now not all days are perfect, but at least I value my life now. That day when I asked God why I felt trapped and like the walls were closing in, his answer was beautiful. He said “my daughter you are right. You can’t go to either side or back because the narrow path is only for my chosen. Few chose it because it is hard. Your flesh does not want to choose it because it hurts. My daughter I am pushing you forward into my perfect will”.

 To answer your questions, yes suicide is selfish, but it is complicated. A 5-year-old has no way to comprehend molestation, rage, alcoholism, sickness, pain and a lost childhood. People feel sorry for the 5-year-old but have no patience or love for the 34-year-old that they become. They are still trying to protect themselves from a 5-year-old mindset. They need God’s love to transform them. My biggest downfall was I was good at manipulating. I was good at hiding. I was good at making people think I was ok all the time. I mean I even believed it myself. I was in shock when I had to find out all the trauma I had survived. I just found out recently that I tried to commit suicide because my boyfriend’s friend sexually abused me in front of my boyfriend and our friends. We were all drunk and no one knew he did it. I was too drunk to stop him. I had not dealt with my molestation when I was 5, so I felt guilty. I felt like I deserved it. I felt like I did something to cause it. When I went to the hospital during the most embarrassing and traumatic moment of my life, feeling exposed and vulnerable, I was treated badly. I told the MD that it was because I fought with my boyfriend. I guess that is what I chose to believe. The MD yelled at me and made me feel like I was not even a human being. I guess I felt like I deserved that too. So, when you see someone trying to commit suicide or cutting or performing self-harm, I want you to remember that there is always something hidden underneath. We were all just innocent 5-year olds at one time.

God gave me Godly parents. They prayed. They loved me. They did their best and it was enough to save me. I am grateful for my parents. They made mistakes but who doesn’t? I have talked to them. I have asked for forgiveness for my wrongs and have talked to them about the pain they left in my life. God orchestrated the whole thing and it was beautiful. There has been healing and there has been restoration. God is a good healer and a good counselor. He restores all that has been lost. No pain has been wasted and I am so grateful that he has used my life to help with other people’s healing. It is a great gift to come out on the other side and be God’s testimony. I know he has an amazing marriage and life for me. I can’t wait to see all that he restores.

I know this blog is long and I hope I have not lost you. So….. Let’s talk about sex! Did I get your attention now? I have been praying for God to restore my sexual thoughts and tendencies back to His design for a while now. I had no idea what that meant. As I told you in an earlier blog, when you are introduced to sex at 5, there is no way it can be healthy. A 5-year-old has no idea how to handle that kind of information. I didn’t get introduced to sex by a talk with my parents. I got introduced to it without even consenting to it. So, the enemy had a field day with it. I know that I was a slave to Lust. Lust is a demon. It has no place in a healthy adult. After sexual abuse, molestation and years of being lied to, I had no idea how to have a healthy sex life. Sure, I did Love Waits as a teenager and I really wanted to wait, but my mind was a battlefield. I was losing the battle to the enemy and I was suffocating. Every time I first had sex with someone, I never felt like it was my choice. I felt like I had to, to keep them. Then I used sex to escape pain and to manipulate. I couldn’t have a healthy relationship with men due to my past pain and abuse. I could however, get them to love me with sex. Well, so I thought. Sex became a game. It was destroying me. It never fulfilled me. I always needed more and then it left me empty. I couldn’t find love in it. I could only find about an hour or so of freedom from the pain in my life. Lust was consuming me and destroying my relationships. Keeping me in relationships that I should not have stayed in. Sucking all the dignity and life out of me. I felt shame and guilt but for an hour or so I felt the best release of pain and temporary joy. Therefore, I kept going back over and over again. I let men destroy me emotionally and I destroyed them. Love to me was a mixture of hate, anger, rage, control and sex. When God called me back home 10 years ago, I gave it all up. Men, sex, and relationships so he could heal me. However, my mind was still a battlefield that I was losing. Lust destroys relationships. Sure, I tried to pretend it was ok because I did not watch porn, I no longer masturbated, so who was I hurting. I was hurting me.

The day I was going to have a very serious talk with a family member for healing was a rough morning. I had prayed. God laid out the time and wrote the words. I had several people praying for me and I knew God was involved. I woke up and all I could think about was sex. What?! I had not thought about my ex in years and all of a sudden everything we did was playing back like a reel from a movie. I then thought about someone else but pretended it happened after we were married so it’s ok right? WRONG. I was so confused. I was so ashamed. I asked God “what is going on here?!” He said, “you are trying to run from pain. You can stop thinking about pain when you let your mind go there. You can stop thinking about how this person hurt you if you can think about other stuff.” Every time I thought about it, I would lose focus on God and his promises. I would feel horrible. So why did my mind keep going there? Because humans will do anything to escape pain. My mind was trying to not think about the hurt, pain, and trauma so it thought about something else more pleasant. However, lust is no one’s friend. It kills, steals, and destroys. He doesn’t stop at just movie reels in your mind. He steals everything. Your peace, your relationship and your healing. There is no grey area here. It is not ok to have lust in a marriage. It is not ok to just have bad thought patterns or turn on that computer. Lust is lust and he will destroy everything in his path. He will make you a slave and take away your peace. He may be fun for a temporary time but he will always end up destroying you. God told me I had to choose. I can’t have lust and God. I could not help my first thought but I could help every thought after. If I could stop the thoughts after the first one, I would win the battle in my mind. Every time I chose lust I was agreeing with the enemy’s plan for my life. I was running from God to escape pain. I was never going to have healing and always be stuck. God designed sex for marriage. Between two people who trust each other. Who share everything in life together. It is to bring honor, respect and an extension of God’s love to the person you are with. It is not to get a physical selfish release or to escape from pain. It is not designed to harm or disrespect the other person. Lust does that. It takes everything God intended sex to be and twists it and ruins it. That definitely means in marriage you can be sinning with sex. If you are doing it in lust and not God’s original design, it is not ok. If you do it because you had a bad day or are trying to escape your painful marriage, then you are sinning. Lust cannot fix your marriage or help you with a bad day. Anything that takes the place of God and his ability to heal you is a sin. So yes, sex can be a sin in marriage. If I wanted healing, I had to invite God in now and let him restore. I had to choose to stop thinking about it to escape pain. I had to agree with God’s original design and let him restore. It was hard at first. Like someone pounding on a wall in my brain to get in. I just keep thinking: “I will not agree with the enemy’s plan for my life. To give in is to kick God out and let the enemy destroy me. I will not think about it for a few minutes of relief for a lifetime of pain. I have experienced freedom like never before, and the pounding on my wall in my brain is a lot less. I am free to understand and experience real love now. I am free from shame and guilt. I am renewed in his purity. I am innocent once again.”

I want to talk to you about restoration, forgiveness and moving forward in Jesus name. This process has been a unique journey. I have felt crazy most days but God always came through. I don’t know why I had to do what I did but God does. All I can tell you is a very broken woman has been transformed to one completely healed in Jesus name. I had to kick out my pain demon, have God rewire my brain, pray, step out in faith, ask for forgiveness, be honest with my parents and the biggest thing of all – believe. I just wrote a poem about believing. Then God just spent the next few days blowing my mind. It is all coming together. The truth is without belief you cannot have a relationship with God. If you have a back door or a backup plan, then you don’t truly believe God. I am going to be honest. God has been very clear about one area of my life. I have said “what if’s” or “maybe’s” the whole time. He has given me many signs that I am hearing correctly. I have not believed. I have had a “maybe” or “even if” attitude the whole time. The truth is, what if I believed and He disappointed me? What if I believe God 100% and he does not come through? Then that means even He disappoints. Even He hurts and even He doesn’t love me. God has been very clear that my disbelief was a problem and I needed to let go. That I need to believe him 100% or I don’t have a real relationship with him. I can’t trust him or have faith unless I believe what He says is true. I can’t keep having escape plans. I am either all in or not in at all. It has been very hard for me to be so vulnerable to God as to agree to believe him completely. But that is where faith is. That is where God is. That is what this whole walk is about. Faith, trust, love and belief in the trinity.

God told me that I could choose to stay in my past and keep digging up pain, OR I can choose the restored future he has for me. He promised me my childhood, my marriage, and my children would all be restored; that no time was wasted. The biggest gift that I have as a Christian is my choice. I can choose slavery and guess what God will still love me. I can choose his restored future and never look back. So here I am crying my eyes out, amazed at God because even now he is working something out for my good. I can see his restoration healing me, my family and friends through this beautiful story that I get to be the main character of. All I had to do was let go, let God, step out in faith, believe and choose. The choice is yours. Your past can be forgiven, redeemed and restored. You just have to choose. Will you continue to walk in your past and be a slave, or will you choose to know you are a child of God? You are forgiven and you are restored. Either way God loves you. Either way you are in his will. Either way he will continue to guide you and take care of you. He does not love you any less or more due to your choice.

I leave you with this: I finally got to a place where I was tired of the Enemy lying to me. He does not play fair. He attacked me at a young age and robbed me of many years of my life. But I am the daughter of a king. I finally know who I am. I will not be shaken. I will take up the authority given to me and fight. With God as my leader I will always win. The enemy cannot steal what God has given you. Aren’t you tired? Aren’t you tired of losing to the enemy? Aren’t you tired of your lust, your brokenness, suicidal thoughts, self-pity and being a victim? I sure was. So I encourage you to go on the journey God has for you. You will win. You will be healed. You will be a conqueror in Christ. Fight! my fellow Kings and Queens. Fight! my fellow God ordained warrior. No weapon formed against you shall prosper. Stand in the gap for your kids and loved ones. Fight! The enemy is a LIAR. He is not a friend. His promises only offer death. God gave me life in just one breath. Breath it in, put on your full armor of God and Fight. Your life is not over yet. God has a special purpose for you. You will win.!!!!!!!!