Where the hurt and the healer collide. A real life journey into hope. - February 21, 2022

Last month God told me to go to a specific spot for a healing walk. As I planned it out, a big snowstorm hit the area. It was supposed to be a horrible day, and everyone was telling me to reconsider. I prayed and prayed but God still gave me a specific day and area he wanted me to go. So, I packed extra water, food, and warmth and I headed out alone with my two dogs on a somewhat intimidating journey.

At first the roads were clear, and it was no big deal. Then I hit a snowy road, but I wasn’t scared because there were two four-wheelers up ahead clearing the snow for me. However, they turned off. As I kept driving on this snowy road, alone, I started to notice that I was now driving over snow that no one had driven over yet. I had to go through turns and the snow was getting deeper. I could see familiar landmarks but still was not at my destination. My heart started to race as I realized I was all alone, in an area that did not feel safe, without cell phone reception. As I went around another turn thinking that I was there, I realized I still was not there yet. At this point I did what I do best – I yelled at God. “I don’t want to go any further. I can’t do this. I am scared. Where are you? Why did you send me out here?”  Just as I was about to really lose it, I could hear God say, “trust me.” The next thing I knew, I was there. As I stepped out of my car, I realized that my jeep was more than capable to handle the snow I was in. From this different view point I could see I was never in danger. I was just seeing with a different perspective in the car. I could hear God say to me “Rachael, your perspective is off. Every time you feel like you can’t see where you are going or feel afraid, you tell me you don’t want to do it and are scared. Daughter don’t you see, you are almost there. You just can’t see beyond the curve. Just go a little further and trust me. It is not as bad as it seems.” I laughed because God always knows the right way to talk to me. So we walked and we talked. I was very aware of how alone I was. I was very aware of the fact that anyone could just grab me and it would be game over. It was windy and cold, and I was uncomfortable. However, I also noticed the beauty of my surroundings. How still and quiet it was. How the air was fresh. How easy it was to hear God out there with no distractions, traffic noises, cell phone, or well, anything. I noticed how small I felt in such a big area. It was beautiful and frightening at the same time. It was thrilling and uncomfortable. It basically summed up the last three months of my life – the healing adventure I had been on. I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s go to why I went out there in the first place.

In the last 3 months I have noticed that my faith seemed to be on sinking sand. I was very frustrated because while my heart was willing, I just couldn’t seem to stay on the rock of the truth of God. Much like my journey above, my healing started way more than 3 months ago. About 6 months ago, I began to look in great detail at lies I believed. During that time in my life everything was going great, and it seemed that after ten years of praying, God was going to give me all my promises (the image of driving on the road with no snow mentioned above). Then the journey got rocky, and I was in pain. I felt like God had lied to me, but I still had a ton of prayer partners speaking into my life and giving me God’s advice (the snow with the 4-wheelers). Then all of a sudden, all my prayer partners were just getting blanks and God told me it was time for Him and I to heal through this alone (the scary snow with all the curves and no tracks). The problem with doing this alone was I did not trust that I heard from God. Sure, I could hear from God for other people but when it came to my own life, I wasn’t sure. God has given me many signs to tell me I am hearing him, but my pain was bigger to me than his signs. Having true faith in him for the first time in a sensitive area (the most sensitive area in my life) but then not seeing it happen was destroying me. I became unglued. I would have truth and breakthrough, then I would lose it and be fighting God again. One day I just cried as I told God He could take it all. “God take all the lies, take all the hurt, take away my cloud of pain. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stand on sinking sand anymore. I can’t see you through my cloud of pain any longer. You can break me God, so I am only left with you.” Man, me and my dangerous prayers! All God needs is a willing heart, and he can perform miracles. After another breakdown, I heard God speak to me. “Rachael, get a piece of paper. It’s time to remove your cloud of pain. I want you to listen to me and write down every area that I tell you.” He then proceeded to tell me 21 areas of my life that I believed lies in. I began working in all these areas with him for the next 6 weeks. It was hard. I woke up every day in pain and not wanting to go through it. However, I was serious with God. I didn’t want to live this way anymore. I wanted to know God. I want unshakable faith. How do people lose children but still love God and not question their faith? How did Stephen get stoned and in the middle of his pain say, “forgive them”?  How did Daniel walk into the lion’s den not yelling at God the whole time about how unfair it was? I am going to be super honest with you, I did not have a faith like that. So, every day I woke up in pain and I pressed in, and I walked through it with God. It was God and I and no one else. He was the perfect counselor. He healed me. Now, some things were just plain lies and he disputed them with truth from the Bible. Some things really did happen and were painful and not fair. Those were harder to walk through, but God gave me a choice. I could choose to forgive, realize that was never what he intended for me, and if I walk in his will then it will not happen to me again. On the day of the walk, I had to walk through a very painful area of my life. I needed God to come in and heal me. I needed him to meet me in a special place and heal what had been broken. I was seeing God through a broken mirror and what was being reflected to me was not who he was. I did not trust him to lead me, I did not respect him, and I felt like I had to protect myself from him. There were reasons for all of this that I will not go into. I did not know I believed all these things until God exposed it to me. Again, I was left with a choice. Choose God’s truth or live out of the lies I had been believing over 30 years. Here is what I learned.

First, I learned that I have a choice. God does not want slaves. He wants our free will. My perspective was off. I had to be willing to admit my wrongs, apologize and forgive. The day of the walk, I went to my dad’s house and apologized for some seriously bad things that I did as a child. This really affected our relationship, and it really affected the way I saw God. What amazed me is what my father said to me. He said, “I just remember you being a very good kid and I enjoyed you.” I was in shock because this is not how I remembered it. But my dad changed his perspective. He made a choice. He chose to remember the good things about me. He chose to give me unconditional love in the other areas where I did not deserve it. When I went on the walk, I kept thinking about his reaction. He chose to just remember the best parts of me so he could give me unconditional love. That was so profound to me. As I finished up my walk, I saw a familiar area. As I went over to that area, memories come flooding back to me. Memories of happier times, a day in which I had so much hope and promise. I was so excited, and promises were made that have now been broken. I started to weep. “Why God? Why would you bring me back here? We were doing so well until you brought me here to remember these broken promises and broken dreams.” I heard God very clearly say, “Rachael you can remember all the bad things in this relationship and others, or you can be like your dad. You can choose to remember the good times and change your perspective so you can have unconditional love in this area”. Right there in the middle of the cold snow, with no one around, alone, uncomfortable with a broken heart and weeping, I said “Ok God. I choose to remember only the good things and forget the bad. I choose to believe your promises. I don’t see the whole picture and I choose to let you restore my broken relationships.” I left that snowy, familiar, beautiful, broken area, a different person. I left that old Rachael behind. I had made a choice to let go of my anger, my right, my pain and let God restore the brokenness in me. It is not about being right. It’s about loving people.

During this whole process I have been reading and seeking God in a different way. The main thing I learned from all the readings is that your emotions are real, and you should acknowledge them, but they don’t decide your actions. Several times during this process, I have given into my emotions and those days are always the days I end up fighting God. However, more days than not, I decide to NOT act on my emotions. Let’s face it, in an hour or so I will have different emotions anyway. Instead of giving thought or speaking into my negative emotions and giving them power, I decided to do praise and worship instead. When having a real relationship with God, it’s not always about what I feel like doing. Feelings can be misleading and lead us into some pit falls if we let them. It’s about being obedient to God. It is about doing what his word says. It’s about being still and listening for his voice and directions. I can try to fight my own battles. In fact, for most of my life I have tried to fight my own battles. All that does is makes me tired, emotional, and a hot mess. I usually don’t win the battle and have to go back and do it God’s way after I have completely failed on my own. What I do now, is turn on praise and worship and be still and surrender to him instead. If I am upset, I still go out and have fun with my friends. I don’t speak into my feelings, and I decide to have fun anyway. Guess what, I have fun and my feelings change. Don’t ignore your feelings. I did that for many years and that is why I am on this journey. However, you should not act on every single emotion you have and give power to it. Let God fight your battle. Praise him first, wait on him, and then act when he tells you to. That way you are not exhausted, defeated and angry. If he says pray and you don’t feel like it, do it anyway. If he says “forgive” but you don’t think they deserve it, forgive anyway. It’s not about what you want. It’s about building such a strong relationship with God that you know if he says to do it, it’s for your good. It will not always feel good at first, but you will find that instead of the whole day being ruined by your emotions, only one or two hours are bad, and the rest of your day is great. Each day I pray, “God you give me all that I need and I do not need anything else. I chose to have the perspective of, if I did not get something today, it is because I did not need it. Either you believe God is good and that He gives you all you need, or you don’t believe God can or will. I know this, because deep down inside that is what I believed for many years, and I was tormented. The truth is, He always gave me exactly what I needed. I just always wanted more and was never satisfied. I lived off of my emotions and not his will.

Staying in God’s will is hard for me. I am so used to making my own choices and protecting myself. I honestly did not have a clue on how to stay in his will. So I asked him. Then I started asking him about everything. God went through over 21 areas of my life to pull lies and give me truth. I asked him about my future marriage. “What do you say my marriage should look like?” I asked him about my future kids and their legacy. I asked him what he meant when he said, “I dare you to dream again.” You name it and I asked it. I spent 6 weeks of constantly asking and listening to God. You know what? He always came and he always answered all my questions. He healed me in a way only he can. He is the perfect counselor, and healing that usually takes years, God did in 4 months. It was awful and it hurt but it was amazing and beautiful at the same time. I have heard people ask: “Why is God silent?” I have never known him to be silent. I can identify three areas in my life where he seemed silent and they are:

1) I did not ask the right question.

2) I did not ask at all.

3) I did not like his answer, so I did not follow through, so He did not say anything else until I did what he said.

I don’t believe God is silent. I believe he is vulnerable and relational. He wants us to have constant openness with him and allow him into every area. God cares about every intimate detail of your life. When I looked past my pain, I could see that he has done so many amazing things in my life. My dogs are a gift from God. He gave me my family and friends to help me through this time. When the pain got so intense, and I cried out to him, he guided me to books, movies, and music to help me. God is a God of relationship. His ultimate goal is healing your heart and having you know him as he truly is.

  The biggest and hardest question I had for God was why is the world full of so much pain?  I started seeking movies and books that talked about pain. Stories of people who did not deserve the pain they were in. They did everything right but still life fell apart. You know, real life Job stories. My doubt was killing me. I wondered if God loved me, why did he allow so much pain in my life? I did deserve some of it. Some of it was truly my fault for not listening and staying on his path. But some of it was not. I was innocent. I was young. “Why did you not protect me? Why did you not want to give me the marriage you promised me and the kids you said would be my legacy? I surrendered everything! I did everything you asked! I finally had hope! I finally listened to you! I trusted you for the first time in my life and I got crushed! Am I crazy? Should I go to a psych ward because I think I hear from God? Are you teaching me a lesson by kicking me down when I just learned how to walk?” My doubt started to suffocate me. I began to question the character of God. I have been told my whole life not to doubt God. So now that I did, what did that mean? Am I a bad Christian? I read a book that said doubt is neutral. It is what you do with it that determines what it becomes. Doubt can actually be good. It was my doubt that pushed me out of a superficial relationship with God. It showed me that I believed a lot of lies about God. It made me dig in deeper. It made me do research. It made me ask God to search my heart and know me. What did I find? Is there a magical answer to why God allows pain? Does everyone in the end get an amazing life after trusting God and surrendering? Yes and no. Children still die and stay dead. Divorces still happen. Life still sucks sometimes. However, I learned that you could make a choice. You can live in that pain and get swallowed up by your grief, your doubt, and your pain. You may even have a case for choosing this. But what kind of life is that? For me, I realized that there is no hope, joy, or love found outside of the Trinity. Without God, I literally have nothing. I heard him say very clearly: “Rachael you have been running from pain for so long and trying everything to avoid pain, but your last protection method is… pain. You choose to put yourself in pain before someone else can. I want you to surrender your pain to me. Give it to me. It is killing you. It is blocking the life I have for you. How can you love me and choose pain? How can you know me and choose pain? It is either accepting my love or choosing your pain. Which one is it?” No, I still have not gotten my marriage or kids. I still don’t know why things are happening like they are, and I do not think it is fair. What I do know is that my doubt pushed me to know God. I know that I now have an unshakable relationship with him. I know he replaced my pain with his love, and I will never be the same. I know even when I am in pain, I choose to love others like he loves me. I know he will use my pain to help others. I know that I am not the same and I would not change that for anything in the world. 

To really get to know God as a relational God I had to ask him to break the curse of Adam and Eve. If, through Jesus, we can break our generational curses in our family, then why can’t we break the original curse? The curse of the tree of good and evil. The tree of knowledge. The hardest thing for me to give up is my curse of the need to know. “Why God? This doesn’t make sense. I need to know how this will end. I need to know if you are going to answer this prayer.” What happens in your relationship with God when no one can answer your questions and God is not answering it the way you want? What if you never get to know why you went through something? Will you still have faith? Will you still think God is good? I wrestled with this for a very long time. It almost caused me to walk away. One day I decided to let it go. To give it to God. I decided to have unshakable faith like Daniel or Steven. I needed to know God. To meet him in his Garden and walk with him daily. I was not created to need to know anything. I was created to have such a stable relationship with God that I trust him. That I can ask him daily, “what is your plan for my life?” My job is to answer “yes and amen” to the responses he gives me. I can trust him to run my life while I rest and let him fight my battle for me. I have fasted, I have prayed, I have lost 10lbs, I have fought, I have cried, and the answer to all my pain was…. “LET IT GO and LET GOD.” The answer was restoring the broken mirror that I was viewing God from. I had to get to the end of me to let God fix the broken pieces of me. After all the fighting, the lies, and the pain, it was in the surrender that I came face to face with a God who wanted a relationship with me. A God who wanted to restore me. A God who said, “My daughter, you are asking the wrong question. It is not ‘why’, it is ‘who.’ Who do you say I am? Who do you think I am? Who is going to restore you?” The rest falls into place.

In a book I am reading, a missionary tells villagers in a very poor country about Disneyland. Except this country has no word for mouse or castle. By the end of the story, the missionary was trying to explain the happiest place on earth but the villagers interpreted that Disneyland is run by a witch-rat who lives in a hut doing evil things and they vowed to never go there. Imagine these villagers’ surprise if they ever got to go to the real Disneyland! How much joy they would have when they actually discover it is a magical place. I feel like that is us when we try to interpret God’s plan for our lives. Our perspective and life experience keeps us from comprehending what Disneyland looks like. It is not an evil rat doing witchcraft, but a magical place. On my hardest days I imagine the vulnerability of the Trinity. The complete openness they offer to us. We think we are to do things alone. To be strong. To not involve others. In the meantime, their example and what they desire is to be completely vulnerable. They don’t need us, but they choose us. We can offer the Trinity nothing, but they offer us everything. They invite us to sit with them at the table and accept their never-ending flow of love for us. I imagine a faucet of their love pouring into me. That faucet will never run out of love flowing into me. It is my choice to leave it on or turn it off. I hope I always choose to leave it on, so I am so full of his love, it comes out of me and pours out onto everyone around me.