Does God answer the Haverporth’s prayers? - October 13, 2017

Idecided to share this very real e-mail with you guys to my parents. Manly because i wanted to show you what it looks like to have a broken heart but to trust God. Its a weird thing when the God you thought you knew is not the God you wanted him to be. But what is crazy is he is still the God he is suppose to be and works all things out for your good.

Does God answer the Haverporth’s prayers?

I have been struggling so hard lately. I have prayed for you guys everyday for the last 2 weeks. My heart is broken because I love you so much. I hate seeing you in pain. I feel truly blessed that you are my parents. You do so much for me. When I found out what was happening at the house my heart was broken. I wanted so bad to fix everything for you like you guys fix things for me. Tonight I was praying and I asked God do you hear us? Do you love the Haverporths? Why do you let so much bad happen to us? God, If I know you so intimately like I feel like I do how can you be the God that wants only good for his children but let such bad things happen? What happens as a Christian when the God we think we know is not the God we want him to be?  His answer has brought me to me knees and I  had to share with you about the God that answers prayers in the best way but not in our way.

I often look at our family and wonder does God just answer prayers for others but not the Haverporths? I mean who is harder workers then you two? Yet you work hard everyday to earn pennies. Who has worked harder to learn about Gods love and how to love others but still remains unmarried and not even closer to 4 years ago then me. Who has a kinder hearth then Daniel but has been treated so cruel. Is it that God does not love us? Does he not hear us? I have had such faith until Sunday. It broke my heart to see Dad feeling so helpless. How can I help? What can I do?

I prayed.. That is all I know. Here is What God told me

Rachael…. You are my answer to prayer.  Mom and dad don’t you remember how God changed me? Do you remember praying for me? Hoping I would not kill myself? Praying God would spare my life? I know you guys had to prepare yourselves for the destructive behavior I committed. God Allowed me to go back and see myself like I did then to show me how much he loves us and how much he answers my and your prayers. So let me go back to a time that seemed hopeless to show you how much hope and how good God is.

It was high school. I have wanted to kill myself for a long time. I even fantasized about it over and over again.  I decided to try drugs and alcohol to cope. Why? Because I was Gods and your failure. I could not be the daughter you needed or the student I wanted to be. I could not be popular and a christian. I was constantly in battle with the Rachael I wanted to be and the Rachael I was. I hated myself. For not being popular, not being a good daughter not being perfect. I began to spin out of control and I did not feel loved and I sure as heck did not love myself. I hated how much I needed drugs, alcohol and cutting to get through the day.  I hated being a slave to it but I could not live without it because I used it to control an out of control life. I saw no hope. Death seemed to be the only way out. Then Dad you say me during my first attempt. A crumble on the floor so drugged out. A hopeless mess and all you could say was o my God. I saw how broken you were. How much I hurt you. How helpless you were and how you could not save me. I know you did not know I had taken so many pills. You did not know about the suicide note i later wrote that I left on my bed for you guys to find next to my dead body. But I woke up. A failure still. But I hide that note along with the pain I was going through. No one knew how broken I really was.

Fast forward 2 years later to a very bad July 4th. Too much drinking, a fight with my boyfriend, and a very bad situation. I want home and finally took enough pills to die. God called out my daughter my daughter you will not be with me tonight. I had one moment of clarity. In that moment I called a friend who then called you. As you tried to get to me, to save me I know the panic and the broken heart you must have had. As I was rushed to the hospital and I refused to cooperate. How did your heart break as each cut was shown in that emergency room, when the doc came in and yelled at me, when I had to drink the charcoal. I saw your pain. Your faces were so sad. You could not save me. You could not stop me.

I remember the next few days sitting in your office mom. Going through alcohol withdraws. Sitting there at 18 an a alcoholic.  As my hands trembled from lack of drinking i had such shame. I was a failure. A druggie, alcoholic and I could not even kill myself. Mom do you remember that day I made you cry because I told you I did not want to live. That my life depending on what others did. O mom I am sorry but please understand I was so lost. I had so much pain. I was such a failure in my eyes. I could not see your pain.

Then to all our joy I got into PT school. In my mind this was it. My life would change I would be happy. I would conquer goals.  Although the drugs stopped and mostly the cutting there was no joy. I would go 3 years in misery. I hated every part of it. I grinned and bared it to meet my goal. As I walked that stage to get my degree and awards I thought this is it I will be happy. As i walked up there and got my degree I remember thinking is this it!!! God is this who you are? Where is my joy? I was so empty

I study my butt of for the boards. I never worked so hard for anything in my life. And I failed. Here I was again a failure. I had broken up with Frankie. So here I was. Not a PT, not a wife, not a mother. I was a nothing. There was no end in sight. Only pain. I worked so hard through all of it for nothing? God who are you? Where are you? Do you love me?

I remember this night so well. I fell on my knees and I said God I am yours!!! Look what I did with my life. I have hit  rock bottom. Please take my life and I will walk it with you. Even in my pain a joy came over me I have not felt in years. I knew God was with me. Through painful week after painful week until I want to take my boards again, I felt a strange knowing that I was going to be ok. I decided to be baptized because I loved God no matter what. I wanted to scream to the world….I am a daughter of a king!!! I have been through a lot but he never stopped loving me.. He never stopped answering my prayer.  As I waited to be baptized I was crying such tears of joy. I told God that everyday from this day on I will live for you. I will be in awe of you, because you will make each day new and beautiful.

In my biggest failure and pain God began a work in me. I was no longer a failure. I was a conquer in Christ. God began to breath in me his life, love, power, and joy. Satan could no longer steal my identity because God gave me a new identity. I write this to you because for a very long season I felt like my storm would never end. I felt hopeless and I did not think God heard me. Now I know my God. He is a God that is only good. He saved me. He answered your prayers and mine. Even when it did not look like it was possible.

I will never be that girl again. I will always be the daughter of a king that laughs with Joy, happiness, and peace. I will always be the girl that knows that God is for me and no one can be against me. I would have never saw that 10 years ago. But I can not see anything else now.

I know that it seems like there will be no good from this storm. But let me tell you what I see. Dad…. I am so proud of you. You are such a man of honor. You love God and trust him. You have become softer.  You have changed to a man that trust God, who is not trying to control everything and letting God help you. You are a man, a father and a son that God, your wife and your Kids are so proud of. You are such a great man. I look up to your relationship with God. Mom you taught me to look at each day as a gift. To take each day one day at a time. God taught you and you taught me. Where would this family be without your prayers. God is working through you two. I am so sorry this happened. I want to take your pain. But from the ashes, from the pain, God answers the biggest prayers.

When you have doubt remember the biggest prayer he answered. ME. My life. My story. Its your story too. God  is going to do big things for you. He loves you. He will never let you down.

Let God make dust into diamonds. Just wait it will be amazing and so worth it. I am praying and I love you.

Your Daughter.