I am a New Creation in Christ= Freedom - August 9, 2019

Ihave shared so much truth in this blog. I have been as real as I can be. My struggles, my ups and downs, and my pain. One has to wonder: How long do we fight with this until we realize one simple truth: I AM A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST!!! I feel that we hold on to our past with hands clutched and say “it’s ok, God will forgive me, it just takes time. I just need to rebuke this or heal that.” I’m sorry, but did I miss that in the Bible? Isn’t freedom just free!?! Isn’t a new creation new? So why do we hold on so tight to our pain and our past?

The last couple months have been hard. My identity has been attacked from every which way. I hate not being 100%. I have been sick and it is driving me crazy. No one can figure out what it is and boy that opened up some old wounds from my not-being-diagnosed-with-Celiacs days. Add a little, I owe a lot of money to the docs for them not figuring out what I have, then top it all off with being to busy to press into God, mixed with a little rejection and taking away my precious free time. Strike 3, I am out. Here comes anger, here comes rage. Here come thoughts of being alone, being unworthy, being better off dead! Wait…. what? No, that has been dealt with, that has been healed. You can’t come back, my old deadly enemy. So if this isn’t my voice… whose is it? I know this voice – it is an old stranger a real bad dude. So what do I do now? Am I a complete failure because I can’t even be free? Why is my past still hunting me?

In come my old thoughts again: “Rachael you’re too skinny; now you’re too muscular. You’re not smart enough, you should try harder. You are too dramatic and you’re not womanly enough. Stop acting like a guy; why can’t you be tougher? You’re just not like other girls. You’re not like anyone else. You know you’re Rachael.” Geez, no wonder by the time I was 16 the only thing I thought I should be was dead.

WHO AM I REALLY?
I thought I was going on a path with God that would answer this but what happened? Why did it just stop? Why do I come back to this place? Why am I stuck? So I asked God and he said, “Why are you not spending time with me?” So I took a whole day off and spent nothing but time with God. Instantly, I remembered who I am. I am his. He told me to stop giving the enemy the weapon to form against me. The enemy does not have that power until I say negative things about myself and form the weapon with the enemy.  I have to realize who I am. I am a daughter of a King. Loved by the creator of the universe. He breathed life in me. He waits for me. He loves me. He fought for me. He thinks I am worthy.

The next day I started to look though my things and I found my old diary. In it was a broken girl full of suicidal thoughts, hatred towards men, an alcoholic, and a druggie. She had formed so many weapons against herself that the enemy ‘s whole army must have been knocking at her door. I didn’t make it far in that diary because that girl is no longer me. For the first time I realized that I had truly been saved, renewed, and changed. I realized I don’t have to live in my past or even be affected by it. I threw that old diary away and with it I throw away a past that no longer defines me.

In that diary was a song called “The Girl in the Mirror.” In it was so much hatred for this girl in the mirror that the writer (me) did not like. She was uncomfortable and hated her. She wanted her to disappear because she did so many bad things. By the end of the song I reveal that that girl was me. I want to rewrite that song. I don’t want to throw all of me away.  Just the lies and the innocence Satan took. So here is my new song:

The Women in the Mirror

Sitting here, I am aware of this woman staring back at me. I sit and think about who she is and realize I love this woman staring at me. She has some battle scars, that is easy to see. She has some pain that helped her grow. She has fought many battles and has come out strong and courageous.

I look at this women in the mirror and think, “I wish I could be her.” Who
is this woman in the mirror? She stares at me with soft eyes of wisdom. She
has a smile warm with compassion and a heart full of love. She
looks right at me and it makes me feel joy.

Who is this woman staring at me in this mirror? I can’t recognize her because she looks so much stronger than me. This woman in the mirror has a story full of pain, struggles, addictions, and pride. She has not had the best time, but she made it through all those years with God by her side. She never gave up, she kept on fighting. She has spent many years on the wrong side. She was loved by a God  that never gave up and brought her back to his glorious love.

Who is this woman in the mirror? She stare at me with soft eyes of wisdom. She has a smile warm with compassion and a heart full of love. She looks right at me and it makes me feel joy. Who is this woman staring at me in this mirror? I can’t recognize her because she looks so much stronger than me.

This woman used to make me uncomfortable. I did not like what she stood for or how she acted. I felt like she was a puppet on a string and could not do anything. However, God found her to be beautiful and lifted her up. He saved her from her horrible life. He breathed life and identity in her. He told her she was made for so much more. He gave her a purpose and meaning.

Now, I can’t take my eyes off this woman because I want to be her. Who is this woman in the mirror? She stares at me with soft eyes of wisdom. She has a smile warm with compassion and a heart full of love. She looks right at me and it makes me feel joy. Who is this woman staring at me in this mirror? I can’t recognize her because she looks so much stronger than me.

I realized that this woman in the mirror has everything because she has a savior. She has a past that no longer defines her. She has a God that claims her and calls her his own. I wish I could be this woman because she has been given so much.

Wait, who is this woman in the mirror? I think I recognize that face. I see joy of knowing a father’s grace. I see a fighter that has been knocked down but continually picked back  up to fight another  day; A beauty in her father’s embrace. I know this woman because that woman is me and I love her.