Diamonds are produced with extreme pressure - July 19, 2020

Happy 2020 everyone.

I have not written at all this year. So let’s address the elephant in the room… What a year right? I know most people are counting the days until this year is over. I know most of us feel this year is horrible and what good can come from it. Honestly, I would have said that too in March, except I have found this year to be challenging but full of growth. I have had many ups and downs and maybe more downs than up, this past seven months. However, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. A few years ago I told myself never, ever, ever say something you are going through is bad. Challenging yes, but horrible, bad, awful…. I try not to use those words. A situation or session is always what you make it and no matter what, God is still on the throne. Therefore, none of those words fit. If God is ahead of it then it can push you, challenge you, but it always has a purpose and is used for God’s good. So I am grateful for 2020 because with extreme pressure and the right material, diamonds can be formed. Obviously with the wrong material you can have complete collapse and destruction. I believe this year is a spiritual battle and you choose how you will fight and on what side you will fight. God is very near when you call on him, but the enemy is also roaming around like a lion trying to destroy you. So, what are you going to do with the pressure?

This year became extremely challenging for me in March. On a Monday I was told by my boss that we wouldn’t shut down and on Wednesday I was told I was going to be out of a job for the foreseeable future. That was hard for me. To feel like I was blind sided was an understatement. I imagine we have all felt this way a few times this year. I remember calling my friend and acting like a 3 year old, screaming at the top of my lungs. “What will I do? Who am I without a job?” I have been working since I was 15. I remember starting to sob because my real fear was…. What if I am all alone? What if no one comes to visit me? What if I really find out that if I am not the life of the party no one will really like me? I was very scared of my depression, alcoholism and suicidal tendencies coming back. I hated that the thought could cross my mind but my ugly friend was still very much there. The next day I picked myself up and threw away the beer cans from the night before. I decided to start a cleanse so I couldn’t drink for 1 month and lose weight. I worked hard on cleaning the house and setting goals to keep me busy. I also spent so much time with God. I was off work for 6 weeks. If you would have told me that in the beginning, I would have never made it. However, with God I saw myself changing. I decided to continue tithing and tithing extra that I owed God even though I didn’t see where the money was going to come from. After 6 weeks my finances were in the same spot as when I started. I am telling you that is not possible. However, with God it IS possible. My friends started to love me in ways I didn’t know were possible and for the first time I saw that I did not have to earn their love. They loved me without me working for it. I started to see myself in a different light. I started to realize that I did not have to work to be loved. I could rest and trust God and see him come through. My birthday this year was one of my favorites just because I slowed down and enjoyed the people I was with. Everyone showed me their unique love for me and I felt so loved. God has a way of showing you how much you are loved in a unique and unexpected way.

My favorite thing about 2020 so far is the way my intimacy has grown with Christ. I am literally seeking him out all the time. I talk to him non stop. I ask him before I do things. I ask him what are you doing or what do you see? I do this instead of getting mad or running ahead and asking why I crashed later. God has saved me from so many bad decisions just because I asked. I have heard people say God should be your best friend, your bridegroom, your father. I didn’t truly understand what that meant until this year made me rely on him for everything. Everything is out of my control right now. My idols have all been taken away (traveling, money, life of the party). With all the noise gone I have to focus on the only thing that matters…. GOD. Guess what, when you do that you realize that he has always loved you, He has always called you his child. He has always wanted what was best for you. He can’t give you something if you don’t seek him, ask him or slow down enough to rely on him. I can truly say I know my God and he is God even when it does not feel good. Thank you Jesus for slowing me down, pushing me and taking away my idols. It gave me a chance to truly choose you.

I am not going to say I have been perfect by any means. Trust me I have not. God and I are working through some things right now and I messed up just last weekend. I will say this: when you heat up metal enough the bad stuff comes to the surface and you scrape it off to purify the metal. That is what is happening in my life right now. A lot of junk, pain, wounds and bad behaviors have come up. However, with my relationship with God we sit down, pray, cry and pull up the roots. We are working together to fix things that needed to be fixed for years. Everyday I am finding out who I am, who God intended me to be, and what it means to be a child of God. I trust God to fix my broken heart and he trusts me to always come back and work it out with him. If you see me messing up, know that I don’t think I am perfect. I will probably mess up before the week is up. Also, know that I will be called out for that by God and will deal with it. I love my father and I can’t keep hurting him because it hurts me to hurt him.

To address the other elephant in the room…. Do I think this is the end times? It is not my place to say. I don’t pretend to know when that is and I am annoyed with people who try to figure it out. I believe there is darkness in our world being exposed. When you shine light on darkness it always looks ugly. It is such a mess and we don’t know how to begin to start cleaning it up, so we act badly about it. However, where there is light there is freedom. I believe this is the year of light so I think there is about to be a lot of freedom. I think you will see people turning to God in the next few months. I have so much hope for what’s about to happen. I think good things are in store. I know in my life God is going to bring forth good things and I believe that for your life too.

I will leave you with this. During this time I know that you can choose joy or fear. I know you can choose love or hate. I know you can choose Jesus or the Enemy. So who will you choose? In the bible it says that he provides joy that surpasses all understanding. I did not truly understand that until I was doing praise and worship in my living room while on unemployment, financially in a crisis and supposed to be on the most amazing trip of a lifetime. I know it says God is your bridegroom. I did not understand that until I was on my knees weeping as my house was falling apart and I asked him to defend me and help me. Of course he did and did it in amazing ways. I know it says if you tithe he will give it back. I didn’t understand that until my finances supernaturally did not change even when my circumstance did. Under pressure God is turning me into a diamond. I cannot wait to sparkle for him.

I Love you all. I am praying for you. I am here for you. Remember God is our hope and we have much to hope for.