The beautiful mess. - November 12, 2018
My whole life I have hated messes. I find them annoying. I try to plan everything out and make things go as smoothly as possible. When things get too messy, I either walk away or get frustrated and act like a child. This year when I was praying, God told me: “It can be messy but don’t miss the opportunities just because it is messy.” I had no idea what that meant at the time but I get it now.
I had a lot of messes this year. It started right away with the death of an innocent person in my life. I also had a few friendships that got messy and were hard to deal with emotionally. I let God walk me through those messes and I learned a lot. I thought I knew why God had told me what he did at the beginning of the year and thought I was excelling with flying colors. However, I had no idea until recently what a mess really was.
It turns out I have a real problem with failure. I mean a real problem. I went to take a test that I thought I had the green light on but ended up not passing it all the way. Instead of trusting God, working through it with him, or even acting like a normal adult, I straight up acted like a child. I blamed him, then I blamed me, then I blamed everyone and everything. I was a complete mess. It was awful. I questioned God, my faith, my sanity. I could see that I was acting like a child and knew I was wrong, but honestly I did not care. I deserved to pass. I studied so hard. I had God’s green light. What did I do wrong? It took me a long time to have peace, to see God’s plan, and to remember his character.
You see God did give me the green light. I think he even wanted me to pass the first time. But you know what God wanted more? He wanted me to choose. He wanted me to choose his word and his promise over my circumstances. All along the way he never forced my hand. He waited for me. He sent people in my life to love on me even though I did not deserve it. He never left my side. It was 6 weeks of hell for me. As I sat in my living room I asked God, “Where are you? Do you love me? Why did you deceive me?” I heard him say clear as day: “Rachael, I am God. If I wanted to, I could knock you over right now onto your knees and show you who I am. I won’t do that because I love you. I was here. When you threw your punches at me, I was here. When you spit your venomous poison words at me, I was here. When you said awful things about my daughter and let the enemy come in with your words, I was here. I was crying with you. Holding you. Loving you. You chose not to accept that, but I gave it anyway.” Just like Job, in that moment I realized “who was I to question God?” I may have heard of him, but in that moment I knew God. I knew he was always there and I knew he loved me, and I knew I had been wrong.
After that day I chose to not question. I went to go take my test again. It was not good circumstances; I was being attacked like crazy. But in my mind, I chose to pray instead of yell, worship instead of listen to lies and insecurities. Right before I took my test I was worshiping him and reading his word and I heard him in my spirit. I heard him say: “Rachael, I always wanted good for you. I give you a choice, but you have to choose joy over anger. You have to choose not to be distracted. You say that’s what you do, but when things get bad you have anger issues.” I was blown away because I knew God cared about my heart. He wanted me to have peace. He wanted that more than passing a test because he knew that was more important.
On the way home everyone I sat by said, “Wow it was a real pleasure to sit next to you.” I was even aware enough of the Holy Spirit to recognize that the man next to me was having a medical emergency – all because I chose not to pick up anger, stress or control. I chose not to let those feelings control me anymore. I chose God over my emotions.
I am hard-headed sometimes, but God knows me and loves me for it. Sometimes I have to be a complete mess to see God’s plan. When I try to be strong and set in my ways, I miss God’s plan. I learned to not be afraid of the mess. Don’t walk away because something is challenging or not organized. Think how many people need Jesus most when their life is a mess. Think how many people need other people to love them through their mess. Think how much we would miss out on without messes. God’s best work is in the beautiful mess.
