I will not be shaken… well until I am (who I am really when my faith is questioned?) - August 13, 2018

Iam written this with a broken heart that is being mended. I started this blog because I was once a mess of a Christian and I looked at everyone around me and felt that they were perfect and how could I be accepted. I want people to know that we are all broken and we all need our fathers love to fix us. I want to be real, to show that no matter how strong we are we can be shaken if we put our heart and trust in the wrong thing. This is my story about how I thought my faith could not be shaken but my world was turned up side down and I was more shaken then I could have every imagined.

Let me set the stage before I begin. My whole life I was told that I would never be smart enough. I was in second grade when I was first told that I had dyslexia. That my dyslexia would keep me from being the best and I should set my expectations to my disability. I just never could accept that. As the years want by I kept scoring average. I kept being told that my dream of being a physical therapist were unrealistic. I did not have good enough grades, I did not score high enough on my GRE. Everyone told me I should just give up.  My parents kept telling me not to listen and I could do anything I set my mind to. They loved me, prayed for me and told me that I was better then what people told me. Sure enough I graduated in the top 10% of my class. Still people said your not smart enough for PT school. I worked harder then most people I knew and was lucky enough to have an opportunity to work as a PT tech at the age 18 until 23. I had the highest praises of the PT’s in my community. But I still did not have the GRE or grades to get me in. Amazingly enough one school accepted me for an interview. I felt like I blew that interview but imagine my surprise when I got the letter that I was accepted. This was the first time someone other then my parents told me yes. Yes you are smart enough.

I struggled more then most in PT school. But I worked harder then anyone else. I wanted it. Plus I am use to being told I was not smart enough. One of my professors even told me once she did not know if I would make it through the program and did not think I could pass the PT bored. I did get through PT school and got my DR. Take that everyone who told me that I would never do it. I spent months studying for the boreds. I studied all day long. I would not be told I would fail again. Except this time I told myself everyday… you will fail…. you are not smart enough… your practice scores are not good enough. I was so nervous that I walked in a failure before I even begun. Guess what I did fail. But I spent the next few months working on my relationship with God. He told me I was not a failure. I walked in 3 months later and passed the boreds with flying colors.

I have been a pretty successful PT and have been practicing a technique called McKenzie. It has a pretty high fail rate to get certified in. When it came time to become certified I prayed, God if this is what you have for me open the door. God we both know that I am not smart enough to pass this without you. But with you I can do anything. God opened the door. More like threw the door open. So I proceeded to study my butt off.  But no one in my clinic does this  technique so I needed someone to help me study… So I prayed “God you opened the door please give me someone to study with”. Again God did it. I drove to LC where someone from my old clinic helped me even though he got nothing from it.

Meanwhile I had craziness going on next door. Which I have already talked about. I had so much fear. My fear kept growing until I was terrified to even go home. But God worked on my heart. I surrendered that fear. I knew God was big enough to protect me to help me pass, to do anything. I prayed and prayed and those darn people next door would not leave but hey I don’t care because they cant put fear in me if God has me.

I week before my test I want to pray with someone. Their prayer was you already passed this test because God said so. It was the first time ever that I had freedom from fear. God has me. God promised me. God has got this, whom shall I fear? I spent the last weekend before my test praying, fasting and surrendering all my fear to God. I spent a lot of  time worshiping God and believing that I am not what the world says but who Gods says I am. I knew that there was no way I could fail. God took my fear, and I surrendered it.  There were godly people agreeing with me in prayer. I prayed for favor and the heavenly host to be released and go before me to clear the way of distractions. I cant lose. I have Gods favor. This test is passed.

On the way to take the test….. everything want wrong… I mean everything. I got sick the night before and so did my brother. I was up most the night throwing up. No… this cant be I prayed for months to go to sleep before the test. It’s OK Gods still got me. I walked in to take the test… no fear…. proclaiming to the world that God is bigger. It was the first time in my life I really was not afraid. I had faith like David. The first 4 hours want great. It was easier then I though and I knew I was passing. I want on my lunch break and I felt sick and could not eat. This made me a little nervous because I knew I need the energy for the rest of the day. After lunch I want to go take the practical. While I was down there a women who was also taking the test, starts yelling at me that I am in the wrong place. She told me I was missing my test. I looked at her like she is crazy, but my heart did start pounding a little. I asked the practitioner, who tells the women to calm down and reassures me I am in the right place. Boy, God you are really showing me how powerful you are because this is a lot. But you are big so I got this…. well nope I did not. I walked into take my practical and I bombed it. I knew it. I walked out defeated.

WHY GOD.. WHY. I trusted you. I proclaimed your name. I AM A FAILURE. THE WORLD IS RIGHT. HOW COULD I BELIEVE I WAS DIFFERENT. I was so confused. Why would God open a door to close it in my face. This is not the father I know. I don’t understand what did I do wrong? If you are only good, how is this good? I look like a fool and stupid. I am a failure. I have never been mad at God, but I was. I did not deserve this. WHY? No one could answer that question. So many fake answers. Well God is good so it will be ok. NO THIS DOES NOT FEEL OK. I need more then that. Well God just wants you to trust him… I DID TRUST HIM AND I FAILED. I just wanted answers. It felt so unnecessary. I believed I was more then what the world said of me and now I am a failure. My heart was broken because my heart was missing God. How could I let him back in when he hurt me. God is not suppose to hurt me.

I wish I could tell you that this little thing did not shake me but it did. My identity was being attacked and I bought Satan’s lies. I knew it too I just did not care. I felt betrayed. I failed. I literally hated myself. I heard everyone tell me I was a failure again. They were right. I did fail. How do I fight that? It’s true right?

I was so mad at myself for allowing myself to be shaken. Great now I am a failure at loving God and my faith. Is there anything I cant fail? I might as well just accept I am average. I should never try for anything again. I don’t ever want to feel like this again. I should be happy God would even let me get this far. Remember you don’t even deserve to be a PT. You were told that your whole life.

So where am I now? I am still hurting. But I know God is good. See some things are black and white. Either God is good or he isn’t. Either God defines my identity or the world does. Either I believe that God gave me a new heart or I have my old heart. What does being a new creation mean. Here is what I learned. It means: I am not what the world says I was. I am not a failure. Heck I don’t even believe that I have a learning disability anymore.  It means the world can say what it wants but I am not those things. I refuse to believe God does not want good in my life. That means I am going to Chicago and I am passing this test. I AM NOT AVERAGE OR A FAILURE. I AM WHO GOD SAYS I AM.

Yes, I did fail part of my test. Yes, I have to pay to go to Chicago alone. Which sucks. Yes I am busy because I still have to study for a test. But am I a failure. No. No I am not. The world would say yes, but despite my circumstances I choose to believe God. God is showing me how to see myself. Despite my circumstances and it took a few weeks but I finally see what he sees. I believed that I was not a failure because of my success. But God wants me to see that I am not a failure because he says I am not. No matter what happens I can not be defined by the world. I am only defined by my fathers words. Those words are I am: loved, special, beautiful, smart, successful, an overcomer and a fighter.  God cares more about my soul. He cares more about me knowing who I am despite who the world says I am.  Now that I know that…. what can shake me? I AM NOT A FAILURE. I am GODS DAUGHTER AND I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM.

My identity is in him. I don’t understand why I want through all this. I may never understand. But God is God and who am I to question him. I don’t believe he did this to me. I believe he allowed it to show me that I really did not know who I was. That my identity was in my success or tied to it. Who am I when my world is shaken. It was messy. It was rough but I am still a daughter of a king, that fought to get back to get to a better place. I fought to learn something from my pain. I love a God who sent people in my life to speak truth. He came after me even when I was mad at him and said some awful things. He loved me even when I did not deserve it.  But I believe in him even when the world tells me otherwise.

I heard this in a series I am watching and I feel like it fits perfectly for this situation: It doesn’t matter why, because God hasn’t changed and he’s still my loving father.