The greatest adventure in the Journey to understanding God’s love - December 18, 2021

You can call me Frodo Baggins because boy, I have been on an adventure the last 6 weeks. I find myself a long way away from the Shire. What I thought was a comfortable home was really my prison cell. Although this journey has been hard, and I have meet some trolls, orcs, and some bad wizards on the way, I have come out in victory. Sorry, I had to have a little fun with my Lord of the Rings knowledge. In this adventure of learning who I really am in Christ and who the author of my great love story is, I have had the most pain and the most freedom ever. Just like in Lord of the Rings, I needed to throw my ring (control, emotional bondage, and bad thought patterns) into the fire of Mordor (God’s refining fire). So let’s give you a different perspective and hopefully you can see the growth I have had yet again. Like they say, the third time is the charm!

I have recently come to realize my story has been a progression of who and what position I have placed God in my life. I would say I truly started on this journey about 10 years ago when I got baptized. When I got baptized, I had just gotten out of a 4 year toxic relationship with my live-in boyfriend. I had just failed my physical therapy boards. I had also lost all my friends and felt very alone. I was a secret (not so secret alcoholic), suicidal, negative thinker, and emotional wreck. My mom told me recently she was very afraid during this time that I was going to try to commit suicide yet again. I was pretty much at rock bottom for my life. However, a strange thing happened: I saw that I was not good at controlling my life and therefore, I decided to surrender my life to God and start over. I got baptized right before re-taking the boards. As I sat on the stairs before getting baptized, I cried my eyes out as I told God he could have my life. I knew that I would look back at my life a year from that moment and be amazed at what he had done with my life. I have now done this every year. At the beginning of the year, I reflect on what God has done in my life. I am always blown away. During the time of my baptism, God became my close friend. I wanted to spend time with him. I liked talking to him. I would listen to his opinions and I kinda took them into consideration. I controlled my drinking, but I wasn’t going to stop drinking. I stopped sleeping around but I didn’t stop chasing men that were not good for me. I prayed but didn’t necessarily listen. I took his advice but ultimately his opinion did not always change my decision. I respected him as long as he did not get in my way and I still got to do what I wanted to do. He was my bestie and I wanted to make him happy. At the end of the day, I still choose me and my will. He still loved me. He still talked to me. He still gave me choices and came after my heart. He respected my will and stayed my close friend until I chose to let him in more.

I chose to let God be my father figure last year when I stopped drinking. I had gotten to the point in my walk with God that I wanted to obey him. I wanted to surrender my physical addictions to him. I chose to listen to him and move forward with him everyday. However, like with my real father, I questioned him all the time. I still fought him and would usually do the exact opposite of what he said. Later I would realize he was right, apologize and then do the right thing. As my walk continued to grow and I could see that when I obeyed God I had victory, I started to not question him as much. I spent more time with him. I listen to him more. I really valued him as my father. I respected his opinion and I asked for it all the time. However, like most of us with our real fathers, I still chose to take the lead in my life. I argued with him. I told him NO all the time. I loved him with my whole heart but I would question him. I was trying to figure out his character all the time and thought “well, sometimes fathers are wrong.” Most of the time I followed his example. Most of the time I listened. Most of the time I was crazy in love with him. However, I still had my crazy teenage phases with him and rebelled, and did what I wanted when I was angry at him. I have known for years I was missing something in my walk with God. It has bothered me for a long time. I had all these areas I hid from God. I mean, do you really want to talk about your impure thoughts, your anger, or your lust issues with your father!? I felt helpless in my walk with God, my thought life and my emotions for years. But God met me where I was and loved me there. I grew in my walk with God. And then one day truth hit my lies and I could not stay were I was.

For months I have been praying big prayers. “Be careful what you ask for,” isn’t that what they say? When you spend as much time in the prayer closet as I did that last few months, God starts to do things in your life. When you ask God to be your bridegroom and to move you forward in your life… well guess what, he presents you with the opportunity. God wanted my full freedom. He wanted my victory; he wanted my whole heart. Which he can not have if he is just my father. He wants to be my bridegroom. I had been praying that for years not knowing what that meant. Well last week I found out. The last 6 weeks I have been in total surrender to him. I have taken the biggest steps in my relationship with him ever. I have surrendered my control. I have put my faith in him and I have learned to love him like 1 Corinthians says to. So naturally the next step is to invite him in to my heart to be my bridegroom. I looked up the vows for a real wedding. I put our names in the vows. I wrote the 10 commandments down and swore to follow them. Then I wrote my own personal vowels for God. I had such freedom. I was like a whole new person until… the next day. I got hit with so many emotional things. I tried to stay strong but, I was meet with the 5 year old again. She was trying to protect me. I acted out. I started to question the character of God again. Are you worthy to be my leader? Are you really good? Do you have my best interest in mind? Will you hurt me? This may sound silly, but I bet if you really ask yourself these questions, you may find you also question God in this area. Do you still argue with God? Do you say no to him? Then I will be honest with you, you question his character too. God is a good God. He answered these questions for me. He wasn’t angry. God can handle your tough questions. I was stuck in my emotions and the 5 year old state of mind. I wrestled with my self-will and my free-will. Which would I give to God? I was pretty sick to my stomach at this point. I had a migraine and I had been crying most of the day. I felt that I had gone back to ground zero and I was pretty disgusted with myself. I just could not let go of one thing. Why would a God make a promise to me and not keep it? Why would he then make it look like he was going to fulfill the promise then pull it? Why would he tell me over and over again it was going to be great and it was turning out horrible? Why would a God get my hopes up when I asked him not to, make it look like a miracle was about to happen then….. pull it? Why would I want a bridegroom like that? I fought and I fought and I fought. Until I was to exhausted I had no more fight left in me. I realized I did not come this far to go back. This was the next step and I needed to take it. So I told the 5 year old that she no longer needed to protect me anymore. She could rest. I no longer needed to fight or question God. I realized that I was having an emotional addiction with God and trying to control him. That does not work and is not healthy when it comes to God (or any relationship as a matter of fact). So I tucked his promise into my heart and I know he will answer it. I don’t need to know how, when or what. I just need to know my bridegroom is perfect and he will do what he says he will do. I have chosen to trust him; to know his true character; to love him unconditionally, and to be his bride. I am finally free. I asked God a few questions the other day. He sent me to a verse that basically told me I was asking the wrong question. I didn’t know what that meant at the time but I do now. I am sorry, I have been focused on the wrong thing these last 3 blogs. I have asked the wrong question and told the wrong story. The real question that should be asked when talking about your love story is not who am I, but who is the God living in me? The bridegroom. He is all that matters. My life is no longer my own. It is his. He is love and truth. HE is the love story. My only job as his bride is to say “Yes and Amen” and to love like he loves. So please let me introduce you to the only thing that matters. The author of my love story and yours as well. The one I should have been focusing on the whole time… here is my bridegroom: Christ.

God is love. God is Good. God is the perfect bridegroom. He is a healer. He is alpha and the omega. He is “I am that I am”. He is our portion and our inheritance. He is our salvation and our shield. He is always with us. He is the resurrection and the life. He is the way the truth and the life. He is Jehova Nissa – The God of victory; Jehova Shalom – The Lord of rest and peace: Jehova Rapha – The Lord your healer; Jehova Jireh – The Lord your provider; Jehova Rahh – The Lord your shepherd. The God who keeps his promises. I have seen in my life that He is a God who has my future and it is good. He is a God that I can trust. He is a God that loves me with a 1 Corinthians 13 love. He is not only worthy of being my bridegroom but was destined to be my bridegroom. His place in my heart was always meant to be the lover of my soul. The one that leads me. The one that already has my victory for me. The one that is fighting my battles. He is the God that lovingly fought for my heart and waited for me to chose to let him in. He chose and loved me first. He walks me by green pastures and gives me rest. I do not have do anything to earn his love. I do not have to beg him in my prayers. It is already done. He has already given me all that I need. I am not in want, I already have it. I just have to believe it and walk in his time and his will. He is a God that left the 99 to find me. He is a God that has all the answers and is not silent. He tells me my future and it is secure. I just have to have faith and believe it’s true. My circumstances no longer get to define me. My bridegroom gets to define my circumstances. He is my leader. He leads me perfectly. He is perfect and never changing. He is consistent and knows exactly what I need. He is bigger then my faults. Bigger then my idols. Bigger then my lies. That is why he took all of them from me and replaced them with his love, truth and goodness. He is mine and I am his. How lucky am I to be the Bride of Christ. To walk in victory everyday. To laugh without fear of the future. To live each day as its own and let tomorrow worry about itself. I get to stay in the present with him because my life is not my own. It is his. I just have to listen and obey. I been fighting my own battles my whole life. Thinking I was God’s warrior. I missed the point. Being a warrior is just saying yes and amen to him. He will lead and win the battle for his victory. I just have to listen. I no longer feel rejection, shame or revenge. My God says that I am loved, that I am worthy, that I am beautiful that I am his. My only job as his bride is to love. To be love. To not let others define me or control me but to love. I am free because I surrendered all to God. I am living in victory. I am the chosen. I am loved. I am worthy. I am the bride of Christ.

I hope when you read these blogs you see the end result. You see that this is not about me and never has been. This is and will always be about Christ who lives in me. How I finally gave him permission to take over and he me made beauty from ashes. He changed me form broken to whole. I am not perfect but the one who is has control of my heart is. If you look at me you will see the flaws and mistakes. If you look at him in me, you will see the greatest love story of all time. I love you all and I am rooting for your victory. God has a love story for all of you. It will be unique and beautiful. The result will be the same. God is who he says he is. He does have your victory for you. He does have the most beautiful love story of all time. He does have your freedom. Will you let him write your story?