Greatest Love story ever told….cont. - December 2, 2021

Ifeel that I need to rewrite the greatest love story blog. Maybe not rewrite it but tell it from a different point of view. I have had a lot more healing since the blog I wrote 2 weeks ago. I wrote that one out of a heart that was full of pain. Now, I will admit it was a surrendered heart; basically I wrote the best love story I could from a person who did not understand what real love was. So let’s start again. This time I will save you the fairy tale style writing and just tell it like it is. I am in a very vulnerable place in my life and I tend not to write these blogs when I am in these states. However, I think it is important to share this story from a perspective of different levels of healing. I feel, 1) it helps me heal, 2) it allows me to be super vulnerable and transparent, and 3) it gives all the glory to God when you see the end result, break through and answer to pray. So here we go……

Today I decided to fast and spend the whole day with God. I was told by God to do this a week ago so I marked it on my calendar and I was faithful. Yesterday was an amazing day, full of breakthrough and freedom. Today… was not that day. I woke up crying. I cried at church. I cried in the car. I cried, then I cried some more. I was on the floor begging God to search my heart and show me why I continue to have days of freedom and then days like today. I have never been so willing and open for him to have my whole heart and transform me. I am literally willing to die to my flesh and live in the spirit. I want to be new. I want to be all God wants me to be. So…. Why cant I just be it?! See, when you pray big prayers, you get big results and when you ask the flesh to die so the spirit can live… well it kinda doesn’t want to. So today, with a soft voice, I told my flesh: “it’s ok, you can rest. You did the best job you could, but now its time for the spirit to take over. It’s time to let the holy spirit lead.” Then the craziest thing happened – I felt peace. I had been praying, fasting and worshiping all day, and all I had to do was rest and say those words. I think sometimes we try too hard. I know I do. God wants my freedom more then I do. He wants to love me more than I want to be loved. I don’t have to beg. I don’t have to do anything but just let him. We also give the enemy too much credit. It wasn’t him I was fighting today, it was me and my own flesh… but I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to how God even got me here.

Shortly after writing my last blog, I got stuck. I did not know how to deal with the trauma I had gone through when I was five. So I went to my trusted prayer partners and friends who have experience with God and healing. I will tell you when I went over there, I was mad. I was numb. I was over it. I tried to heal on my own, but after hearing a little girl’s voice scream back at me “it’s not big deal!” over and over again, I felt like well, maybe it is no big deal. However, I told God I would let him pursue my whole heart and I heard him saying you got to let me in. So I went and I was mad. I was mad probably for the first 45 mins. We decided to ask God together what to do. To make a long story short, God showed me several things: I did not trust him with my pain. I did not want to have emotions. I did not trust him. Also, the trauma I had was a big deal because it stole my choice from me. My choice has been stolen from me my entire life and I did not even know it. I repented of all theses things and God started to restore what was lost or broken. He also gave me my purity back which was a beautiful thing. Basically he restored me. I walked in a lot of freedom until….

The day before Thanksgiving. I swear I heard God. I swear I heard him LOUD and CLEAR. However, what I wanted to do seemed like control and opening a door before God could, so I consulted with my prayer partners. We all agreed it was not a good idea. This started a whole other issue in me. What if I have not been hearing from God for the last 6 months. What if I am crazy. Who am I if I don’t hear from God and I don’t get my promise? What is left of me? I have struggled with this question now for the last couple of days and it has been driving me crazy. I will answer what God revealed at the end of the blog.

A few days ago I got more freedom when I realized I had emotional addiction. I had already addressed and conquered my physical addictions but now I have emotional ones too? One of my emotional addictions is needing to know the reasoning of things. This addiction has driven me crazy and ruined relationships for years. I also have learned that I cannot be rejected, abandoned or not loved, because God loves me and there is nothing man can do to me. The biggest thing I have learned is I have a choice. I can choose to let my emotions and emotional addictions control me and let people hurt me, OR I can choose to believe what God says about me. It might seem silly to you, but I never knew I had this choice. I was a slave to my emotions and emotional addictions and never knew it. Essentially I was a slave to other people and their decisions. What a sad and scary life to live. I can’t control other people, but I let them control me. What hope do I have if I continue living this way? I also realized that other people are allowed to make choices that I may not agree with, but that does not mean they are wrong. It also means their choice does not have to affect me. They are allowed their choice and I am allowed to respect that without having emotions or control of their choice. However, I am then free to make my own choice in regard to their choice. No reason to get angry or try to control their free will. I also, realized I can take every thought captive. I can control and choose every emotion and the words that come out of my mouth. I don’t have to be a victim; I can be a conqueror. I just have to die to my old self and choose to make higher choices.

Today while I struggled, God taught me two new very important things. He asked me, “do you love me or yourself like I command in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8?” Love is patient love is kind….. you guys know the scripture. I am never afraid to ask God or answer God’s tough questions because they bring freedom. I realized: “No. No God, I don’t. Because if I did, every time something bad happens I would not pull my love from you, the people in the situation or myself.” I had to hear that answer come from my mouth. “No God I don’t truly love you, myself, or anyone with that kind of love.” That’s a tough pill to swallow. So I surrendered that to him. I said “God I love you and you love me”, then I repeated the scripture over and over again until I believed it. Then I said, “I will love myself and others” then repeated the scripture over and over again. This was the biggest breakthrough yet. To actually know how to love. To love without fear, strings attached or getting something out of it. To love without pulling it back because I get hurt. That is not love. Not Godly love anyway. I want God to be the author of my love story. All my love stories. But there is no love story if you don’t know how to love. Today I learned what it meant when God said he loved me. If he loves me he can’t want harm for me. He can’t want me to suffer. So today I choose to love God back. To give up all my addictions. To trust him and not open my own doors. To change my thinking patterns, my emotions and my words. I choose God over my circumstances. I choose to give God my pain and not let my pain control me. I choose to walk through this with God. Accepting his love has given me joy, peace, and a hope. I finally understand what it means to be free. I finally understand what it means to not be a slave. I have said it a million times but I finally know what it means to know the author of the greatest love story and to be A DAUGHTER OF A KING.

So how is this a love story you might ask? Well, here is why: I was trapped for 29 years. I did not know I could make choices since my choice was robbed from me. I started acting out of a 5 year old’s protection methods and my relationships all failed. I never understood way and I was a victim. Then God came after my heart. I fought him. I yelled at him. I made him the bad guy. All the while saying I loved him, trusted him and that he was good. However, I really did not believe that. I blamed him for everything. I opened my own doors and walking out of his will. I told him “No” all the time. Instead of leaving, he came after me more. He did it in a loving way and the only way that would work for me. In a situation when I would usually give up, be pissed off and walk away, He decided to change my heart. He answered all my prayers. He gave me a new heart – one like his that allows me to love when it’s not fair. To trust when it’s hard. To see he is good even when the promise is not given to me yet. He showed me how to pursue him with a healed heart. To surrender my emotional addictions, my control, my protection methods and my need to make my own way. He showed me how to love like he loves. For the first time I have peace because if God loves me, he won’t pull back his promises. His will is perfect and he wants me to be in that perfect will. If I love him, I will stay in that perfect will. This is the first time I have ever really understood and known this to be true. It makes me giddy like a child and gives me that child-like faith I been praying for. I know he is my father and I can blindly trust him and live in the moment. I have never enjoyed my life. People always said how amazing my life looked but I could never live in the moment and enjoy it. I was always thinking about tomorrow. However, God has now shown me to just stay in the moment. I have more joy right now in the middle of a tough circumstance with an unknown future than I did when I was in Hawaii. Why? Because I am just staying in the moment with God and enjoying his presence. I am learning how to surrender to him and just wait on him to do his thing. I am laughing and crying with joy because I am so excited to see what he is going to do and how he is going to do it. In the end I can say, “look, only God could do this.” I have learned to make choices on how I act, think, and speak. I am beginning to bring them into alignment with his word. I have learned to dance, sing and worship him even when my world seem to be falling apart. I have learned that it does not matter if I heard him wrong. At least I trust him enough to ask. At least I have enough faith to act like it is so, even if it is not so, so it can be so. Plus I know I hear from him, but no one is 100%. I have learned that I can rest and do nothing. He will fight my battle for me. He will do it in his perfect timing and his perfect way. It will be good. I can trust him. I don’t have to know the answers but just follow the one who does have them, step by step, day by day. I have a new identity and a new name: it is Beloved Daughter of a King. I am Highly favored, I am redeemed, I am restored. I am loved. I am healed. I am a conquer. I have an inheritance. I am walking in victory. I am no longer a slave. I am no longer a victim. I am God’s chosen. I am worthy. I am enough. I do have a future and a hope. So tell me, do you know a greater love story than this?

And she lived happily ever after:)