What if the God we know is not the God he is…. - July 14, 2018

Every year I start the year surrendering the year to God. I invite people over on Jan. 1st and we praise and worship and pray to give the year to God. This was the first year that God actually talked back and told me what he was going to do with this year. I began a list of all the things he was telling me that he was going to do this year, and boy what a year it has been……

This year has been one of heart break, drama and growth that has been covered in Gods grace. It started off with a letter from compassion international.

I was excited because I thought I was receiving another letter from one of my Compassion sponsor children Meu-ngey. I was planning to write her that very night about how happy I was to receive the beautiful picture she drew for me. I thought she was so talented and so beautiful. So I opened up the letter expecting to read about her life and to receive more pictures. Instead I read: We are very sadden to inform you that Meu-ngey has passed away. Wait…. What? She is only 5. I was just praying for protection. God didn’t you hear my prayer? Don’t you care? The God I know would not let this happen. Since I was at lunch I could not process everything and I shoved it down. Later that night I cried with Jesus. I told him I knew he was good and that he only did good things but this hurt. This just did not seem good. I could feel Jesus with me, comforting me, crying with me. I did not get mad I held on to the fact that I knew God was good and Meu-ngey was in good hands and a better place. The next day I called to find out what happened to her I found out that Meu-ngey had drowned. Again my heart stirred with emotions. O God how could you let her die so scared, so alone so horrible. Then I quickly said God I know you have a plan. I have to hold on to who you are not the situation.

Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.  Psalm 46:10

What does that scripture really mean? Well God showed me and he showed me what kind of God he is. A few weeks later as I was praying and worshiping with friends and resting in God, my heart was moved to a very special place. Jesus showed me Meu-ngey. She was playing, running, and having a lot of fun. There was so much joy and love in this place that I never wanted to leave. That is the God that loves his children. That is the God that I had never seen this characteristic of but brought me closer to him. A God who loves his children. Both of them and he takes care of them. Meu-ngey was the happiest someone could ever be and I got peace and joy even if Meu-ngey was still dead. God did not change the situation just my mind set about it. He let me see through his eyes and I know him so much better now.

A few weeks later I was watching TV when I saw a post on facebook. One of my dear friends in Christ, daughter wrote that she had jut passed away. NO!!!! This cant be right. God healed her Cancer. God told her and she believed he would heal her. Even when the Doctors pushed her to get treatment she stayed faithful to God and trusted him. She didn’t even tell me she was sick. She was apart of our prayer group and prayed for our silly worries and emotions but never once asked us to pray for her. I just saw her a few weeks ago and told her about how God cured me of Celiacs. The whole time she never once told me about the cancer that came back. She was the most beautiful woman of God I had ever met. It was like her Godly heart just touched you and you felt instantly loved. She was the best part of the women retreat because I met her. She was so wise, loving, and strong. This cant be happening. It just cant be. God why would you heal me of a stupid disease that makes me watch what I eat and not her cancer. What makes it worse is that I did not believe, not really, that you would heal me and she did. Its not fair. I cried and said God I know you are good. I just don’t understand right now. Can I trade my blessing for you to bring her back.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you , declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Are you sure God what about her future her hope? I stopped right there and I prayed. God you are good. I love you I know she is with you. She is happy, in peace, healed and experience so much joy. I am not mad and I will no longer question you and the blessing you gave me. God stirred my heart and it was just a knowing, he said: My blessing and healing I gave to you because I love you and there is no greater love then what I feel for you. I have a future for you and you are going to be a warrior do not focus on what I did for you and not someone else. A peace came over me because I knew where my friend was. She was with the same Father that loved me that much. He loved her that much too. She was a light to this world and touched so many people. Her testimony was encouraging and she brought love to her husband, her daughter and her friends. God called her home for the biggest reward ever, to be with him.  Again my situation did not change. My friend is still not in this word but I became closer to God because I knew him more. He was bigger then what I thought he was.

A few weeks after that, I found out about my cousin. He had passed out and was not found for a couple of hours. His kidneys were shutting down and his arm was not working due to the swelling. My aunt was very sad and I felt horrible because my Uncle and her and been through so much. But God begin a work in my Aunt. Her strength and trust in God helped her through it. When I prayed for my cousin I had instant peace. I knew God was doing something. This time I did not even question him. I said God I know you. You are good. I understand you are doing something I don’t understand what, but I know its for your glory. I prayed for him and my aunt and uncle everyday. It was good then bad then good again. But my aunt stood strong in prayer and trusted God in a whole new level. My uncle also started trusting God more and stood up in front of his church to thank them for their prayers. Two days later I found out my other aunt had cancer. Again I trusted God. I prayed. I have never prayed so hard in my life and trusted God so much. I just knew he was going to do something. One month later God restored everyone. They are all healed. Completely. That’s the God I know but I did it with a different heart. No fear, no worry, no questioning just pure trust.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4.

Seeing God live out these words through this situation made me know God in a different way. This time God did answer prayer and changed the situation but he also changed my heart and showed me who he really is.

Its been a month now. Since the shooting next door. I heard the whole thing. I was scared and to in shock to call 911. When I finally did the evidence was gone. As I looked out the front window I saw as soon as the police left my neighbors had several more drug deals go down. I remember feeling so small, so helpless, so alone. But I know God now, right? So I prayed, read the bible, played whole tones and want to sleep. Just for the next day some more crazy to go down next door. Since then they have OD, left a needle in my yard, robbed several houses and created fear in me and a lot of my neighbors. Just last week I installed cameras and caught people jumping my fence. I have never been so scared in my life. It was an awful feeling. I am taking a huge test next week and I started to feel the fear, anxiety and pressure of everything. But, God has been working in me. Through this situation I have learned to surrender this to him. I cant do anything about it but pray for me and my neighbors. I have learned to trust God and not look at what is going on next door. I am not anxious about this coming up test because if you can sleep after a shooting you can sleep for a test. I am different. I am not there yet, but I am changing and growing in Christ. A lot of us would think that God would just get ride of the neighbors right? I mean I prayed and they are not good. Why wouldn’t God just take care of them and get them out.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Because God wanted me to live this verse. A few years ago, heck months ago I would be a nervous mess right now. I wouldn’t be able to function. I only failed the PT boards the first time because of anxiety and fear. God wants to free me from fear. He is giving me the opportunity to chose him, go higher and focus on God not the situation. My situation has not changed but my mind set and my understanding of who God is has and that is priceless.

I know God will continue to reveal his heart and charter to me. He will always be blowing my mind because who I think he is will always grow to knowing who he actually is.