It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It’s time to stop being in love with things that are familiar. - January 14, 2021

 Well, it’s a New Year so it’s time for a new blog. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, as I imagine most of us are all doing right now. Looking back at 2020, wow what a year. I don’t know about you guys but when I entered 2020, I had a lot of hope. I really thought this was going to be a great year. However, it didn’t turn out like I thought. But, that’s ok. It turned out so much better than what I could have ever imagined. Yes, I know, I lived in the same country as you. I dealt with the same pandemic. I was furloughed for 2.5 months. I didn’t get to travel and lost money on an epic trip. I had everything I loved and was familiar with stripped away. I had fear and confusion with the riots and the division.  I watched people fall so blindly into hate.  I mourn the reality that there will be a new normal.  Yes, I also got COVID just in time for Christmas, which I got to spend alone, sick and in bed. So how was this a good year? Well God stripped me of my false identity. He made me get out of my comfort zone and what was familiar to me.  He made me rely on him and dig deep into our relationship.  When I had nothing to hide behind, I realized that I didn’t like me too much. The things I had become familiar with and just did because I did it, showed its ugly head and I had to decide who I was going to be. A luke-warm Christian that only gives God some of my heart, or an all-in Jesus Freak who will surrender my whole heart?       

 The first thing that God brought to my attention was drinking. Yes, I love my beer and what’s the big deal?  I don’t get drunk and I don’t make too many mistakes. So why does this keep coming up? Ten years ago I was a true alcoholic.  It was bad and you can read other blogs to see just how bad it was. When my relationship with God was strengthened, I put boundaries on drinking. Although it was rare to see me drunk, drinking did change me. It brought back a person I used to be, that no longer reflected who I am now. I would get so confused why three beers would bring back parts of me that I despised. I really got tired of making excuses about it. After being furloughed, any time work or anything stressed me out I would go home and drink a beer (which broke my boundaries, by the way). It was like I could no longer deal with stress at all anymore. After a little while I compromised with God. “God as long as I can drink and not get drunk or act like a different person, I will keep drinking.  If I make one more mistake while drinking, then I am done.” Yeah, I think you all guessed it, it took maybe one or two months before I messed up. I thought about backing down from my word. No one will know or hold me accountable. But I just couldn’t do that. I love God too much to lie to him. So, I set a date and decided to join a recovery program. O man, was I in for a surprise. For the first two weeks I mourned alcohol, like it was a person. It felt like a break up to me. I needed my familiar routine. I needed alcohol because he/she was always there for me and now who do I have. It didn’t take me long to realize I was truly an alcoholic. It had become a part of my identity. God revealed to me pretty early on that drinking was a familiar spirit. It was not about being drunk or not; it was about allowing a demonic influence in my life. Here is the ugly truth: If you allow a demonic influence into your life, it does not want just a little. It wants to consume your soul. It wants to destroy you. When I came to this revelation, I knew I had to make a choice. Do I give in to my human desire and continue allowing this familiar spirit to destroy me? Or do I love and trust God enough to lay down my pain, my social life, my familiarity to what I know?
   

 Today I am almost three months sober. It has been a challenging, but amazing time. God has revealed things to me that I had no clue were related to drinking. Because that familiar spirit no longer had a hold on me, I was able to see other familiar spirits. I began to have a whole new perspective on life. My relationship with God was no longer hindered by having an idol in front of him. I had to lean on him because my flesh wanted so badly to go back to my familiar habits. What I found out was that God is a permanent solution to my problems. He actually fixed things in my life instead of dulling the pain. Drinking was inhibiting me from seeing who God truly wanted me to be. I was no longer a victim to the things in my life. I had to face the reality that there were deep wounds and pain in my life. I had used alcohol to cover this up for 15 years. The process is and was not easy. I constantly am experiencing new emotions that I haven’t had to deal with in years and I can no longer numb or hide behind alcohol. I have to face the truth and with God, move forward. But I am moving forward. I have had healing in so many of my relationships. I finally see how much people love me. I no longer feel alone. Before, I would just drink and not deal with my feelings. I thought feelings were stupid and useless. I hated them. Now, all I do is deal with feelings. It’s been so amazing to watch friendships flourish, to see myself be able to stand up to things and conquer when I used to just give up. I had no idea how much a familiar spirit could wreak my life. I had always believed God could fix it. But until I took the steps to truly surrender all of me, God couldn’t fix it. Now he is constantly surprising me and I cannot believe how much more I love my life and who I am. 
 

So, what does that look like in everyday life? Well, I have real conversations with people now. I tell them how I feel and what hurts my feelings. Because of this, I no longer feel like everyone is using me which is what I used to think because I never expressed my feelings. If I did, it was in anger so the conversations did not go well. I have restored and stopped sabotaging my relationships with men. After having sober and real conversations with my male friends I realized how naïve we both have been in regard to each other’s feelings. However, after praying and asking God to step in and help with my healing, he did. I was able to see another familiar spirit – one that made me hate men, made me think that if they hurt me, they deserve to be out of my life. Basically, they had to be perfect….and how is that fair? I am clearly not perfect, but they should be? My deepest pain has been living life alone and not having a family. At the same time, I had a demonic influence that made me hate men due to my past. Here I am asking God to give me his best husband, while not accepting him. I needed to get rid of alcohol, which I used to mask my pain with men, to see that I was hurt and needed healing. I was in the same routine with every man. It always ended the same. I just couldn’t see the lie that the enemy was telling me. I need my Father in heaven to show me and fix me. I needed to let go of what was familiar and step into the unknown where I could be rejected. It was not until then, that I could see the truth. It has been amazing and still a huge work in progress. But at least I am progressing and moving forward. 
 

Recently I came down with COVID. Unfortunately, it was during Christmas. Now, the old Rachael could not deal with isolation for two weeks, especially Christmas which is already a very hard time for me.  I was so disappointed because I was actually having an amazing Christmas season for the first time in 8 years. I had made a choice earlier in the season to not be lonely, to choose what God was showing me during this time. It was really amazing to see him change my perspective. But then I got COVID. I was truly alone. Oddly enough I spent so much time with God that I did OK. Not great, but ok….until Christmas day. I had a plan to spend Christmas with God but I relapsed on my COVID symptoms. I was so confused! I was symptom free for two days! My friends basically had to convince me it was because I worked out and was doing too much housework.  I realized that I had to basically be bed ridden until I got over COVID. I tried, I really did. But I just couldn’t stay still. My body just wouldn’t let me. I had a panic attack because I realized that I would literally die before I would stay in bed all day and not be productive. Sure one day I can do, but this was a few days that I couldn’t do anything. I had an emotional breakdown over SnapChat to a friend because I couldn’t be productive during COVID. Now, I have often said I have a Martha spirit but this….. this was bad. I realized that I had another familiar spirit messing with my identity. This one is still pretty fresh and I still do not know how or what God is going to do to deal with this one. However, I know you all will get a blog in a few months telling you how God healed this. Because what I have learned the most this year is that God is a provider. He takes care of me and he wants only the best for me. So here is to a future blog on that. Oh by the way, this Christmas despite everything, I have never felt so much love. My friends went above and beyond to get me things, write me letters and show me love.    
   

So goodbye to you 2020. It wasn’t all good but not all bad either. If it wasn’t for you, I may have never seen the real me or slowed down enough to see how much pain and healing I really needed. I never thought I would be in a recovery program and give up my beloved beer. I would have never thought I could be so happy with so much bad happening in my life. I have never felt so loved. I have struggled with being alone for so many years. Even surrounded by people, I felt invisible. But then God showed me through his eyes how loved I am. I had to change my perspective and allow him to strip away some familiar spirits to see who I am. I had to surrender the parts of me that I never wanted to give up. When I did, God revealed my identity and there is nothing more powerful than that. 

I Love you all and yes I hope 2021 looks a lot different, but I would not trade 2020 for anything.