Does he love me, Does he not… Maybe he isn’t the problem I am. - May 13, 2021

Well hello. How are you doing since the last time we met? It has been a few months since I wrote my last blog. Honestly, 2021 doesn’t feel much different then 2020. For me 2021 has been a growing year in the best and worst way. The start of the year began with a relationship which quickly turned into an end of a 2 year friendship. Followed quickly by the wind blowing the roof of my porch off, which delayed my refinance. The delay caused a 2.5% interest rate to turn into a 3.5% interest rate. Then my swamp cooler and plumbing broke and before I could catch my breath another very annoying incident happened at my house. As I had to sleep on a cot in my own house feeling like a prisoner, I was excited for a much needed vacation. However, the vacation turned into a nightmare in which everything went wrong. I came home to a refinance that has to be the mostly epically bad process I or anyone else has ever been in. After 6 weeks (yes this all happened in 6 weeks) of hell, I had had about enough. I found myself in such a strange place. God do you love me? Do I love you? Do I trust you? Would life be easier on my own? Would I be a better person if I was drinking right now? In the middle of a crossroad, I found myself looking at walking away from God or completely changing my perspective. What I chose revealed to me that God is not the problem, I am.

I had been friends with a guy for 2 years. The relationship was confusing. It started off not confusing at all. I knew I did not want to be with him; that friendship was all it would ever be. But around Christmas, he made all my Christmas dreams come true. He romanced me and I felt like maybe I was too hard on him in the beginning. However, by the end of 2019, he was interested in someone else and I felt rejected. I have always been the type to never handle rejection well. So the friend zone is where he stayed until the next Christmas. Then the same song and dance all over again. This time I decided I was worth more than a fake Christmas couple with no commitment. So I decided to put down some boundaries. Honestly, who else is in charge of guarding my heart but me? He didn’t seem to like the boundaries or perhaps the fact that I was talking to someone new. Either way on New Years he confessed his feelings for me. We sat down and talked about what this all meant. I mean we had a 2 year friendship we needed to protect despite its history of pain and baggage. I was honest. I told him things I have hidden for 2 years. You know what I found out? That when you’re honest and don’t hide anything, people can handle it and they are honest back. We saw every situation so differently. I decided we could ask God and try to make something work. We agreed to be honest the entire time. Unfortunately, honesty and friendship just isn’t enough to make something work when two different people have different boundaries. Boundaries are not always physical. We were on the same page there, but not for personal or spiritual boundaries. God told me it was over, so I ended it. I have no regrets other than he did not want to continue a friendship. But I learned a lot. I learned that I was saying, “I was protecting my heart” when I was actually controlling the relationship. I learned that complete honesty and communication is everything. Don’t expect a guy to know what you want. I promise you he thinks differently than you, so he has no idea what you want.  I also learned that I have a real mistrust and fear of commitment – something I was willing to be honest and work through with him. He did help me in that way. So all in all a good learning experience.

After the break up I was angry and had questions. After throwing a book against the wall, the questions began: God, we were praying… couldn’t you have just slammed the door shut? Why end a 2 year friendship? You could have just said no? We were both asking! Why do you send such broken men in my life to hurt me? I worked it out and got in a healthy place again. It only took 1 or 2 days. Bravo me! Until my house started falling apart! OK God. So what now? Are you trying to punish me? You know my biggest vulnerability is not having a husband to help me with my house. I feel stupid and incapable. Now I got out of a relationship and my house is falling apart. Do you not want me to be happy? Now in the 6 weeks, I had moments of real breakthrough. Then I had moments of horrible rage and hate. I felt like I was a different person. I could not live like this anymore. I was exhausted and fed up. I wanted to love God with all my heart, but how could I when I thought he didn’t love me? When I was with my guy friend we started to read a book called Unoffendable. Even after we stopped talking, I continued to read that book. Do you think it was a coincidence that while reading this book, I had a lot of reason to be offended? I did what the book told me – I don’t have to pick up offence or anger. I can choose to ignore and give it to God. Well, I did this…until I didn’t. After punching my car seat and kicking my sofa and raging at my brother during a vacation, I knew something had to give. Either I start drinking again to hide my rage (alcohol helped me with my rage), I could find a man on my own and have him meet my needs, OR I finally address the monster in the room – My RAGE.

Did you catch what I said earlier? My Alcohol helped me with my rage. So basically a familiar spirit helped me with another familiar spirit. Although I could clearly see this, it was hard to choose to give up both. I have blamed my rage on “being Italian” my whole life. Like it’s expected because of my ethnicity. My friends love a lot about me, but have learned to tolerate the monster that comes sometimes. However, when that monster comes out, it comes out in full blown drama that cannot be ignored. I knew I couldn’t hide the monster anymore. I realized that this is a generational curse just like drinking. I had a decision to make: Address the monster, confront it, and get rid of it, or just keep “being Italian.” I decided that I hadn’t given up drinking just to replace it or let another familiar spirit remain. When talking to God, he said Rachael you have a choice. Choose rage or choose me. It is that simple. The past few weeks have been the best. I have chosen to ignore my rage; To pray or worship or read the bible instead. You know what I found out? I am much happier. To think I could have made this choice a long time ago… Why didn’t I? Real talk right now: I would go through a million more horrible 6 weeks to have this freedom from a familiar spirit and a generational curse. Now, I am still not perfect, just ask the employees at Wal-mart from today. But I am a work in progress who is 75% better.

Last but not least… I went to Las Vegas about a week ago. God had told me to be sober minded, so I knew I was going to be a good girl. I had this amazing outfit that showed my abs off in all the best ways.  I was excited to show it off in a city where no one would judge. Why this nagging feeling? I mean God I am going to Las Vegas without drinking, smoking, gambling, or messing with boys. What will a little crop top do?  Then a dear male friend randomly texted me saying “Rachael, don’t dress up in another Sandy outfit. You are worth so much more than guys looking at you in that way”. I knew in my heart that I had to unpack that outfit. I did not know why, but I knew God was talking to me. On my plane ride back home, God nudged at my heart. A lady sitting next to me needed prayer. I could not have responded to that need if I wasn’t sober minded. God exposed the last major familiar spirit: A Jezebel spirit. I don’t think wearing a bikini or crop top is bad. I think when in your past you used your sexuality to control and manipulate guys, then yes, you have to address the Jezebel spirit. This is a new one for me. I am still going through the healing, so I don’t want to say much more until it is healed. What I will say is that this last familiar spirit leaving, allowed me to see God for the first time. I mean really see him.

You know what I saw? A God that has pursued my heart all these years. He has loved me when I was unlovable. He has chased me when everyone else would have run away. I have been angry, mean, blaming him for everything, when in reality it was my own hurt and familiar spirits that caused all the pain. He loved me through all of it. Why? I don’t deserve that kind of love. Imagine a God that saved me from: suicidal attempts, cutting, drugs, pills, self harm, hate, rage, and alcohol, and I was going to give up on him because of 6 bad weeks. He had 10 bad years with me. How silly it seems now. But 3 weeks ago, it was very real to me. My perspective was off. All I could see was what I didn’t have. These 3 familiar spirits have been wreaking my relationships for years. God just wanted me to be free. He patiently waited for me to be ready for it. Then he patiently waited for me to stop yelling at him. Then he loved me through it. I had to learn to ask the tough questions. Then not be afraid of my answers. He sure isn’t. Once I saw that what I believed was madness, then I could bring it to light and that’s where the healing begins. My situation has not changed. I am not in a relationship or even close. I am still going through a very messed up re-finance. But who cares? My God loves me! He chases me. He wants me. He thinks that I am special. What can the world do when I have a God who loves me so much? If I keep looking up, I will see he does love me. He has never not loved me. I have always been the problem. But I now know I don’t have to be. I can choose to be healed. I can welcome it. It’s not an easy choice. I have to give up a lot of what I think I like. But in the end, it really is the easiest choice in the world. He loves me, he waits for me, he pursues me, he forgives me. I am always enough for him. Is he enough for me?  The answer is, yes.