The Great Divorce - August 26, 2021

Hey guys, I think we have known each other long enough to get real. SO LET’S GET REAL. Real talk….. I have spent most of my life not liking myself. I have found that I was not pretty enough, skinny enough, or perfect enough. At a young age I became obsessed with being perfect or at least having the perception of being perfect. I guess I hate the idea that most women are…emotional, weak, hate sports, and unable to think for themselves. So, I became the opposite. I became unemotional, very rational (at least to peoples’ perception), obsessed with sports and an overthinker. I trained myself to have no emotions (so I thought) and to be “not like other girls”. It always made me proud to hear people say, “Rachael, yeah she isn’t like other girls, she is like one of the boys”. I got so confused on who I was suppose to be, I just became everything opposite of what was typical…until all I became was lost. But let’s be honest, now it’s time to divorce my old ways and become who God intended me to be. Who wants to be lost anyway?

I have been so stuck in my past that I have forgotten to live in my future. My life was thriving and my Facebook became a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses full of adventures, my successes, selfies with the slight glance of my newly built abs, or one of my many spontaneous trips. Everyone always commented on how fun my life looked or how beautiful I was. I smiled and pretended it was, but secretly I was dying inside. I felt alone, ugly, worthless, and so far from perfect. I kept pretending I was happy and I was living my life like I was suppose to. I would tell what awesome revelation God had given me, knowing the whole time I wasn’t completely surrendered to him. All I felt was insane. What’s the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again expecting to get a different result. So I went out drinking, dressed sexy, attracted a man I had no interest in, then went after the guy that had no interest in me… just so I could get rejected and go out drinking and start the cycle again. When I would realize this wasn’t working, I would take an awesome trip or go on a new adventure to forget about the insanity I was living in, and start the cycle again. Just to end up…hating myself, feeling rejected, thinking I was not worthy, blowing up at the people who loved me so they would leave, because heaven forbid I actually show people how damaged I really was. And no way in heck am I going to be vulnerable enough to actually love someone enough to care if they leave. That would make me weak.

Well then life changed. No more trips, no my adventure, no more success and someone hacked my Facebook account so….no more keeping up with the Joneses. Drinking became empty and boring and all I had left was God and me. So…I decided it was time to take my faith seriously. I started to give up everything. I began to grow. I chose freedom over slavery. I chose love over rejection. I chose to be real and have real conversations. I humbled myself before God and my friends and in the past few weeks I have experience so much freedom. Until, oops I actually became vulnerable to someone who could actually hurt me. We were healthy and growing together in God. Something triggered and I remembered that….I am not good enough, what if they see I am not perfect, what if they leave (because that is what everyone does)? What if they see my drama and realize I am not all that great? What if they see the real me and don’t like me? So I pushed and I fought and I ended up making myself sick. I felt hopeless and like I was just too broken. I just didn’t deserve a happy ending or a fairytale. I would always be too much, not enough, and not perfect enough. Who would want this hot mess? Who would actually stay? This is that part were they leave so…just leave first. Just prepare yourself for them to realize you are not anything special. But then something amazing happened: I heard the lies. I thought: “wait….. this isn’t who God says I am. Who is this? If it’s not God it’s….the enemy.”

I did something today, yes just a few hours ago. So this blog is fresh….very, very fresh and full of my real emotions….I divorced the old me. I told Satan he was a Liar. I told him I did not come this far to turn back now. I wrote all those hateful words on a piece of paper and I praised God and tore them up. I made an agreement with God to never say or believe them again. I said goodbye to my past and hello to my future. It is still very uncertain. It still has a lot of unanswered prayers or waiting…but for the first time, I am not pretending.

Hey guys my name is Rachael….I am a hot mess. I often do things before I think. I often talk and move too fast. I have moments were I completely fail. I am not the best at anything and usually take 3 or more tries to get it right. I am a fighter. I do love with my whole heart. I care about people and I never give up on them. I am emotional and I have real feeling. I can wear my heart on my sleeve and share way too much with people who don’t care. I am a work in progress and I mess up a lot. But I get back up, take ownership of my faults, ask for forgiveness, and am no longer a victim to my circumstances. I am no longer keeping up with the Joneses, but just trying to keep up with my life. I am not listening to what others say about me, I am listening to God. I am rediscovering me and I love it. For the first time in my life I actually love and value people and they are important to me. I am weak in Christ so therefore, I am strong. I am real. I am who God intended me to be. A beautiful disaster who relies on him daily. In Christ I AM: beautiful, loved, perfectly imperfect, deserving of the greatest love story, enough, a Warrior, worthy, smart, and deserving of all of God’s greatest gifts. And guess what? So are you.

I am unashamed of loving myself and who I am becoming. I am unapologetic for speaking highly of myself and others. I am not proud but I am grateful for who God is showing me I am everyday. The enemy must have yelled out in fear the day God told me to divorce the old lied-to and hurt me, to become the daughter of a King.