What God can do with 1 year. - October 12, 2021
Today I celebrate 1 year clean from alcohol. If you have been reading my blogs, you know the journey I have been on. You have walked it with me. It has never been about drinking. My story, my testimony is about my identity in Christ and understanding God as the bridegroom.
The journey began as one of submission. I thought I could stop drinking and in a year, start up again. I mean, I really did not have a problem and I could control it. I just want to take a step-in faith and honor God. Well 1 year later and the completion of a 12-steps program, I realize that alcohol was just a symptom of several deeper issues. I learned that I had major: rage, control, insecurities and mistrust issue. These issues have been affecting my life, relationships and my identity for years. God knew what he was doing when he said “just start with not drinking”, then he gently started to pull the real issues out of me over the course of a year. What I learned is I don’t have a drinking issue I have an identity issue. That is not as easy to fix. But through a year of tears, pain, healing, breakthrough, and freedom I can really say it has all been worth it.
I learned my two biggest issues were control and insecurities. These two fears have been destroying my life for a long time. For too long, I have tried to control my own way in life. I thought that if I controlled things, I could make my life better. Instead, I was miserable. A few months ago, I almost destroyed a relationship and stepped down from my position at work. I was not eating, I was not sleeping, and I was definingly not happy or joyful. My life felt out of control and I could not live this way any longer. When I went to God about it, he said, “You’re right, so what are you going to do about it? Continue choosing insecurities and control or surrender to me?” I decided to surrender. Not that it was easy but neither was living the way I was living. What is the definition of insanity again? So, I decided to make a change. I wrote prayers and I went to my prayer walls like 15x a day. But after a few weeks I only had to go to the prayer wall 1 or 2x a day. I was reading a boundaries book and I set some boundaries at work and with relationships. I started to see my life changing and it was much more manageable. I had a set dinner schedule, a bed time and I turned off the TV and spent hours praying or worshiping. I noticed I now have joy. This crazy thing started happening. The more time I spent with God the more my prayers were getting answered. God also started using me more and all my friends told me they could see a big change in me. I was actually understanding the scriptures now and a few jumped out at me. One that really jumped out at me is “Perfect love casts out all fear.” I realized that I never really loved anyone because I loved out of fear and my insecurities. However, now that I gave up my insecurities, I could genuinely love people. I really felt like a new person and that the old was dead and gone.
Even with all this breakthrough, I still struggled with something major. I could not figure it out. Some way and somehow the enemy was able to still get to me. Then through the scriptures I realized I did not have much faith. God had given me two future important dates. I stepped out in faith and took time off for these dates. But my circumstances did not seem to be aligning with these dates. God has given me so much confirmation in this area of my life but I still doubted him just because my circumstances did not seem to reflect what he was saying. Just 2 days ago I finally said “I don’t care if my circumstances line up, you are God and if you say it will happen, then in will”. This was big for me. I have never had much faith when it comes to things I feel like I can control. That very night the unexpected happen and now my circumstances are lining up. Why? Is God a God that gives you things when you do something right? I believe God is bigger than that. I believe God is constantly chasing his children’s heart. God wanted me to see that he was my Bridegroom. To know in my heart that he was my bridegroom and not just my head knowledge. This process of really knowing him, began a few days ago when I decided to stay in God’s presence; to not look at the future but right now. If he says jump I say “how high”. At the same time, I can’t say God now I say jump. I have to trust his timing and his will. If God is all good and I am asking with a pure heart, I have to trust him that he will give me the desire of my heart. He will give it in his timing, his way and his will. This has just become a reality to me. I don’t have to fight in the physical realm. I can make my request known to God. Pray over it, believe it, and fight in the prayer room. Then I just watch God make it happen in his own beautiful way. My life is so much better now that I let go of control, insecurities, and really know God as my bridegroom.
Today, I decided to turn off my phone, and the game (yes, the 4-0 cards) and focus on God. I have always been a person who loves to celebrate accomplishments in life. I figured after a long and horrible battle with alcohol addiction that has lasted 15 years that God deserved a day. So, I dressed up for him. I planned a whole day around him. I did praise and worship to celebrate. I prayed, I thanked him, I submitted to him, then I set the table for us to have a tea date. I know to most of you this seems silly, but I have learned a lot during this past year. One thing I learned is the Trinity is very personable and lovable. As I sat there at the table I was just laughing, crying and enjoying the Trinity. I think too often we forget to have relationship with them. But that is what God made us for. A real relationship. One in which you can just sit down and have a date and talk, laugh and have a good time. For the first time in my life, I enjoyed the Trinity. I can dance with joy. I can laugh at how big of a sense of humor the Trinity has. I can talk about my problems and my pain. I can also just sit still and listen. Today was the best day of my life. I got to spend almost the whole day with the Trinity and it was amazing. I am new. I have a new heart. I am clothed with strength and dignity and laugh without fear of the future. I trust the Trinity to fight my battles and do amazing things. I know my God is good and when I choose to stay in his presence and his will and not lean on my understanding but his, he will make my path straight. It’s a choice. But it is one so worth choosing.
After a year, what did I learn? Simply put, that God is good. I can trust him with my heart and my life. That if I choose to stay in his presence and will, he makes big things happen and I don’t have to do any of the work. That He loves me and I have worth. That my life is so much better after a year. I couldn’t even imagine all the good he was going to do. I am in awe of him.
